The Pity Party
by Jackie the Manic
Summary: Termites, staple earrings, and a love for pineapples. A crack story that will change the BSC forever.
1. Mallory

The Pity Party 

**Author's Note: **How long has it been since I've made a BSC crackfic? Well, you know how sometimes you just keep laughing, and anything someone says is totally hilarious? Yeah, that how I feel right now.

**Summary: **The BSC members feel bad for Mallory, so they're throwing her a pity party! Wow, what fun! Crack

xx

Mallory really hated her life. She wanted contacts. She had been wearing braces for years. She wanted to straighten her hair. She wanted…sophistication.

One day, Mallory was eating dinner with her family. Claire knocked over a huge plate of pasta and splattered some all over herself.

Mrs. Pike said, "Mallory, can you please clean her up?"

Mallory burst into tears. "Stop treating me this way! Gosh! Am I your servant or something?"

Mrs. Pike said, "Oh, and you also have to babysit later. I'm running out for a bit to get a quart of milk, and your father has come down with the flu. He's in bed."

Mallory sighed. She was her parents' built-in babysitter. Oh, the agony. Mallory sighed once again, dramatically, got down on her hands and knees with a rag, and began cleaning the floor.

"Goodness, Mallory, what are you doing?" Mrs. Pike asked her daughter.

"CLEANING UP AFTER EVERYONE, THAT'S WHAT!" she sobbed, even though dinner had just begun. "BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU TOLD ME TO DO!"

"I did?" Mrs. Pike asked.

"That's what you always do," cried Mallory stridently, blubbering like a maniac. "You tell me to clean the floor after dinner is over! Then you tell me to give baths to the triplets!"

"The triplets are old enough to bathe themselves," Mrs. Pike said, confused.

"DON'T LIE!" shrieked Mallory. "All my life, you've been lying to me. You've let me down. I sleep outside, on the porch, right on top of the welcome mat. It's always been like that."

"You share a room with me," Vanessa said.

Mallory screamed, stood up, and flailing her arms, ran upstairs.

xx

Mallory had a horrible life. She was depressed. She picked up one of Nicky's rubber dinosaurs from off the floor and proceeded to cut herself with it. Mallory was very upset.

Vanessa was lying on her own bed, in the exact same room, trying to read. "Mal? Are you cutting yourself with a rubber dinosaur?"

"_Yes_!" Mallory sobbed, tossing the dinosaur aside. It bonked Vanessa in the nose and tumbled to the ground. "I'm so upset, Vanessa."

Vanessa said, "Are you just trying to get Mom to buy you a new outfit?" 

Mallory sat up. "No!" she hissed, appalled at the question. "It's because I'm so devastatingly depressed. Because of this whole entire godforsaken family. Why did Mom and Dad have eight kids? Why not just one!?"

Mallory flopped back down on the pillows. "And ever since Ben broke up with me…life isn't just the same."

"Mal, Ben Hobart is on vacation in Europe. He's coming back in three days."

"That's what they say, that's what they all say," Mallory sobbed into her pillows. "He broke my heart, Ben did. He ripped it out and threw it away. The place where my heart is supposed to be is a just a deep, black hole."

"Mal, don't you think you're taking this too far?" sighed Vanessa.

Mallory ignored her, picked up the rubber dinosaur, and continued cutting her wrists, creating scars that no one but her could see.

xx

The next day, Mallory walked to school, talking long, purposeful strides. She was wearing her best pair of pair of pants that day: gray, with little squares of felt sewn all over it. These were hot pants. She had made them last night.

Homeroom was the same, although Mallory earned many stares from her classmates. A girl named Kellie who sat behind Mallory handed her a note. It read: _Whose pants are those? They look awful. Did you lose a dare?_

Mallory was appalled, heartbroken and devastatingly depressed. She stared at Kellie, who was looking at her sympathetically.

"Mallory Pike! Are you passing notes? Bring that up here," Mr. Simmons said.

"I am appalled," Mallory argued as she made her way up to the front of the classroom. "Kellie gave it - "

"I don't care who gave it to you. Give it here."

"No!" Mallory said.

"Then, I suppose you can read it aloud yourself."

Mallory reddened. "I – this is devastatingly depressing!"

"Read it," boomed Mr. Simmons.

Mallory read it, with a slight tremble her voice. As soon as she finished, everyone started laughing.

Mallory was appalled.

xx

At lunchtime, Mal stood in line with a tray, along with Jessi. Someone accidentally jostled her. "I am appalled!" Mallory shrilled. "Why is my life so depressing?"

Jessi said, "What is it with you, Mal?"

Mal didn't get a chance to say anything, because then the lunch lady spooned some spaghetti onto Jessi's plate. It was the absolute last of the spaghetti, and the only thing left over was liver. The lunch lady dipped her huge spoon into the the liver and glopped it onto Mal's plate.

Jessi and Mallory went to sit at their usual table. Mallory sighed and pointed at her lunch. "This is – "

"Appalling, yes I know," Jessi said, rolling her eyes. "Why do you keep saying that, Mal?"

"Because it is!"

Jessi sighed.

xx

Since today was a Wednesday, there was a Babysitter's Club meeting. At 5:24, Mallory hopped onto her bike and pedaled over to Bradford Court. The sun was shining brightly. Chunky red clumps of hair stuck to Mallory's back, and she smelled kind of funky. Oh well. No one would care.

Mallory arrived on time. She let herself into the house. Everyone had already got there. Mallory sat down on the floor.

"Order! Order!" Kristy screamed, banging her gavel, straightening her neon-green visor, and sticking a pencil behind her ear. She was wearing a white t-shirt, a purple sweater, her grungy collie cap, and faded jeans.

Claudia was wearing mustard-yellow overalls, all covered with multi-colored buttins. Under that was a red long-sleeve with flowers splashed all over. On her feet were clogs. Yes, that's right, clogs. Because that is such a wonderful fashion statement. Claudia had fastened a bike helmet onto her head. Millions of little black braids flowed down her back.

Stacey was wearing lots of glitter, like a glitter top, glitter pants, glitter makeup, glitter nail polish, glitter hat, glitter shoes, glitter socks, glitter jewelry, and she had even put glitter in her hair. Sophisticated!

Dawn wore clothes from thrift stores, making her smell kind of weird. Her thrift-store clothes (or California casual) as her friends called it) was a baggy gray shirt and sweats. And men's loafers. How California-y.

Jessi was wearing her tutu. Enough said.

Mary Anne wore preppy stuff, like argyle sweaters and blue pantyhose.

"Any club business?"

"Today everyone kept staring at my pants. This girl said they were awful-looking." Mal sighed. "You guys, when I go home, I'm going to cut myself. Life is just so…appalling. And devastatingly depressing."

"You cut yourself? With a knife?" Kristy asked.

"No, with Nicky's rubber dinosaur," Mallory sobbed. "I count how many bad things happen to me in one day and that's how many cuts I get. So far there's been…three cuts."

"What happened?" Claudia asked, putting an arm around Mallory.

"Well, the first thing was that Kellie sent me a note that said my pants were awful. Then the teacher made me read it aloud to the class. Then during lunch I had to eat liver."

"Oh Mal! That is devastatingly depressing," Dawn said. "You know what? We should throw a pity party for Mallory."

"Yeah!" said Kristy. "I'll invite all our charges. We can – "

"Oh my God, Kristy, you are so babyish," sneered Stacey. "We need to invite people our age, you know. I know that Mal here is eleven, but what's two years age difference? No sixth graders, that would be just as bad as inviting the charges. Mal, I'll give you a makeover. You'll look hot. But first you have to get rid of those terrible pants."

Mallory smiled. Now this, this wasn't so devastatingly depressing.


	2. Claudia

Mrs. Peter was droning on and on about adverbs. Everyone but Claudia was listening. Today was the English test. It was a big deal because this test took up, like twenty-five percent of your English grade. Claudia had tried _studying_ last night, but she hadn't had a chance because right after the BSC meeting, she had to go baby-sit Jamie Newton until ten.

Claudia frowned tried paying attention to Mrs. Peter. "Adverbs describe the manner, place, or time of an action. Class, do you understand?" Mrs. Peter turned around and erased the chalkboard. "Put away your things and get out a sharpened pencil and eraser. I'll pass out the tests momentarily."

Claudia sighed, although she wasn't too worried. She was still smart. That's what her friends said, anyways. "Claudia's real smart, she just doesn't like school." "Claudia's IQ is above average, but she just doesn't enjoy learning."

Mrs. Peter put down a sheet of paper in front of Claudia. Oh, the horror! Claudia skimmed the test. Fifty questions! She picked up an old, stubby pencil, and a tiny eraser that she had broken off the top of another pencil and flipped back to page one. _I'll just start at the top, _she thought.

She saw the word, _Name _and then a line.

Claudia stared at the question. Name? What kind of problem was that? Should she skip it? No, this was important. She'd have to do the best she could. Claudia guessed that they wanted her name. She wrote on the line, _Cluadya. _Then she moved on to the next question.

Circle the pronoun in this sentence: John was given an ice cream award because he had achieved straight A's throughout the whole entire year. 

What?

Claudia stared so hard her eyeballs nearly popped. What was a pronoun? She stared some more, as if that would help. Finally, she turned to Barbara Hirsch, who sat next to her.

"Hey, Barbara. Psst."

Barbara whipped around and immediately hunched over her test. Her eyes darted nervously at Mrs. Peter, who was grading papers at her desk. "What?"

"What's a pronoun?"

Barbara's eyes widened and she whispered back, "You don't know what a pronoun is?"

"No."

"You're still on problem one?"

"No, problem two. The first one was the one where you had to fill in that line with the word 'name' next to it."

Barbara snorted. Several students looked over at her, and she hurriedly quieted down. "I don't cheat, okay?" Barbara whispered to Claudia before returning to her test.

Claudia sighed. She read the problem again: Circle the pronoun in this sentence: John was given an ice cream award because he had achieved straight A's throughout the whole entire year. 

Claudia wrote under the sentence, _I dnt kno. I askd barbra hirshc but she woodnt tell me._

And on and on it went. Claudia didn't skip any problems. Okay, she may have skipped problems five, six, seventeen, twenty-nine, thirty, forty-two, and forty-nine, but other than that, she didn't skip anything at all.

Finally, Mrs. Peter collected the tests. Claudia breathed a sigh of relief and headed to the cafeteria. For lunch that day, they were serving macaroni and cheese. Claudia clutched her tray and went to sit with the BSC members. She plopped down next to Stacey. "We had a huge English test today," Claudia said.

"The whole eighth grade did," Dawn replied, unwrapping her lunch. That day she was eating an organic apple, a stick of celery, and strawberry juice. She picked up the celery and chomped into it. "It was easy. Mostly everyone passes the test."

"I don't think I did," Claudia sighed.

"You will!" said Mary Anne, who was crying now, for some unknown reason. "It's okay, Claud. You're really smart, you just don't like to study."

"I know," Claudia answered. "So what did you guys put for the first question?"

"I circled 'he', of course, I'm sophisticated." Stacey said.

"No. I don't mean the second question! I meant the first one. You know, the one where you have to put something on that line with the word 'name' next to it."

"That's not a question. You just had to fill in your name," Kristy said. "Did you?"

"Yeah, but I'm not sure I spelled it right." Claudia sighed. "I asked Barbara Hirsch what the answer to question two – I mean one – was, and she kind of laughed, even though it isn't funny."

"Some people are so cruel," Dawn sighed.

"I totally agree with Dawn, I'm sophisticated," Stacey said.

Mary Anne burst into tears.

xx

Claudia was trying to do her homework. It was a review sheet from seventh grade, but it was really hard. Claudia decided that a little candy would help her think. She got up and opened up her underwear drawer. She rummaged around and came upon a pair of blue panties. A Crunch bar was concealed within. She tore the wrapper off and took a bite. Since it was a little mushy and old, it had left a stain on the panties. Oh well. Claudia finished the Crunch bar in seconds and left the wrapper on the floor. She returned to her homework.

"Hmm…I guess the Crunch bar didn't help. Maybe a little bit of Nancy Drew will." Claudia opened up her closet door and slipped in. Inside was a huge pile of candy and a huge pile of Nancy Drew books. Claudia searched around in the second pile and pulled out _The Clue of the Velvet Mask._ She had practically memorized it by heart already, but drastic times called for drastic measures.

Claudia settled down on her bed and started on the first chapter. She squinted hard. What was the first word? "Th – th – t – "

The door barged open and in came Janine.

Janine said, "Are you done with homework? Is that a Nancy Drew book? I see a candy wrapper on the floor. You pig!"

Mimi came in at the moment. "Screw you, Janine," she snapped. "Get outta here. I'm going to talk to Claudia alone." She turned to Claudia and said gently, "Oh, my Claudia, how is your learning today?"

"We had a really big test, Mimi, and I think I totally flunked it!" Claudia sobbed.

"Ohh, my Claudia, we all have bad day."

"No, it's not a bad day, it's a horrible day!" Claudia wept.

"Here, maybe this help." Mimi reached into her pocket and pulled out a gold charm with pieces of jade encrusted into it. "This belong to my grandma."

"You mean you're giving it to me?!" shrilled Claudia, the tears immediately drying.

"No way, of course not! I'm only _showing _it to you, dumbass," Mimi barked.

"Can I touch it?"

"No! You can only look it at."

"Oh." Claudia was disappointed. "Well, I still have some homework, Mimi. Good night."

"Oh good night, my Claudia," Mimi said soothingly, and left the room.

xx

The next day, in English class, Claudia waited nervously at her desk. Mrs. Peter was passing out their tests from yesterday. She held a stack of papers in her hands.

"This test was very easy, as you all probably know. Most of you passed. Most of you."

Claudia squirmed.

Mrs. Peter went down the aisle. "If any of you disagree with your grade, then you may come to talk to me about it. Okay?"

Claudia began to sweat. What if she failed? Her parents would kill her! Claudia folded her arms and stared at her lap. Today she had worn a puffy purple-and-orange dress with a yellow raincoat over it. The sleeves of the raincoat had been cut off. She had sewn a bunch of pink feathers onto her tight neon-green yoga pants. On her head was a red bandana tied over her mouth like a bandito. Her earrings were really wild – if you would call them that. She had put in silver studs. Not really studs, actually. Staples. On her head she wore a burnt orange ceramic pot.

Soon Mrs. Peter approached Claudia's desk. She didn't give Claudia her test. Instead, she leaned in and hissed, "See me after class."

Claudia swallowed hard and gathered up her things. She stood up when the bell rang and walked out the door, trying to appear calm and collected on the outside.

"Claudia!"

Mrs. Peter put a hand on her shoulder. "Sit down," she demanded, pointing at a chair that was in front of the teacher's desk.

Claudia sat. "Um, I'm going to be late, for lunch? So I can't – "

"Lunch can wait." Mrs. Peter pulled out Claudia's test and laid it down in front of her. "Did you know, Claudia, that you got a minus two percent? I didn't even know that was possible."

Claudia glanced down. Sure enough, she had received a minus two percent. It was written across the front in red letters. Claudia blushed. "I – I didn't even know what the answers were!"

"And did you know you skipped some problems too? And misspelled your own name?" Mrs. Peter crossed her arms, tapped her foot and glared down at Claudia. "I'm going to call your parents today and inform them about your English grade."

Claudia left English feeling like she had just been punched in the face.

xx

During the Friday BSC meeting, the babysitters began planning for the pity party. Kristy and Stacey argued about who they should invite.

"Our babysitting charges!" yelled Kristy.

"Eighth grade boys!" yelled Stacey.

"This is appalling," yelled Mal.

"You guys…I don't even know if I can go to the party. My parents are really mad. I totally flunked the English test," Claudia sobbed.

"Really? It was like, really easy, I'm so sophisticated. You must be super-dumb to flunk it."

"Stacey!" Kristy snapped. "Claud, we all know you're really bright. You just don't like school."

In the end, Stacey won. Since passing out invitations to people their age was 'stupid' they decided to make phone calls. Mary Anne wrote down possible party guests.

"Emily Bernstein? Yuck, she's such a geek." Stacey crossed out several more names. "We're inviting only boys, Mary Anne, know that. I'm so sophisticated."

In the end, every boy in eighth grade would be invited. The party would take place at Stacey's house, since Mrs. McGill would be out of town.

"This is so dumb," Kristy pouted. "We could've invited our babysitting charges."

"Whatever. I'm so sophisticated." Stacey was wearing a hot pink, glittery bikini top and a tight little glittery miniskirt that barely existed. There was glitter in her hair, glitter on her nails, and glitter in her lipstick.

Claudia sighed.

xx

That night at dinner Claudia's parents said that if Claudia did her homework every night, she would be able to go to the pity party.

Janine helped Claudia with her math. "Okay, what's the square root of two-hundred forty-six?"

"Um…"

It was going to be a long night.


	3. Stacey

Mallory sat at Stacey's vanity table, looking nervous. The elastic was out of her hair, and her glasses were resting in her lap. Stacey held a bulging cosmetics bag in her hand.

"This is only practice, okay? I just want to try out different looks for you. I'm so sophisticated." Stacey picked up a comb and tried brushing Mallory's tangled red hair. It didn't work. The comb stayed on top of Mallory's head. Stacey grabbed it and yanked it out, along with several red hairs. Mallory screamed.

"Don't worry, don't worry," huffed Stacey. "The path to beauty if painful. We have to wash your hair."

Stacey grabbed towels and two huge bottles of cherry-scented shampoo and conditioner and dragged Mallory into the bathroom. She stuck her head under the sink and turned on the faucet. Cold water met Mallory's hair. Stacey pumped a generous amount of shampoo into her hands and started slathering it all over Mallory's head.

Mallory screamed again, her teeth clunking against the bottom of the sink. Stacey ignored her and pumped conditioner.

When they were done, Stacey turned off the faucet and pulled Mallory up. She wouldn't go. Her head was stuck under the faucet. Stacey yanked as hard as she could.

"Ow, that hurts!" Mallory shrilled as she came out.

Stacey growled, "I told you, the path to beauty is painful. Trust me. I'm sophisticated."

Stacey grabbed a brush and pulled it through Mallory's hair. Her reddish hair was lying flat on her head, free of its curls, at least for now. Stacey had to act quickly. She brushed Mallory's hair until it dried. Now Mallory's ringlets weren't as tangled as before.

Stacey dragged Mallory back into her room and dug through the cosmetics bag. She pulled out pink lipstick and colored in her lips. Stacey frowned and wiped it off. It wasn't the right color. She tried a light red lip gloss instead. Good. Stacey rummaged around and found a peach-colored eye shadow. She dusted it on Mallory's eyelids. Then she used blush. It was a little too red for Mallory's complexion, but it would have to do.

Stacey banged through her closet and found a sleeveless turquoise-colored dress that barely covered what was there. She handed it to Mal. "Try that on," she ordered, and continued searching.

Mallory came out of the bathroom wearing the dress. It was too big for her. Stacey stepped back and gave her a once-over. "It looks good," she said. "A little baggy, but hot."

Mallory admired herself in the mirror. She would finally look beautiful. This must be what it feels like to be thirteen, she thought.

xx

Stacey pretty much knew for a fact that she was a sophisticated, elegant New Yorker. With all the glitter she wore, who wouldn't think so? It had been a few hours since Mallory had left, and Stacey was getting ready to go shopping with Claudia for party supplies.

That day, she wore a glittery bikini-top and a pink-and-green skirt made out of some kind of shimmery fabric. On her head was a hat made out of the same material and a million bangle bracelets dangling on her wrists. This was why everyone at SMS called Stacey and Claudia awesome looking. It was true.

Stacey headed downstairs in her cha-cha heels. Mrs. McGill eyed her daughter skeptically. "Stacey, what exactly are you wearing?"

"Clothes. Duh."

The bell rang. Stacey answered. It was Claudia, of course, wearing an orange turtleneck with black dots splashes all over it and baggy camouflage-patterned shorts. On her feet was see-through Mary Janes. That day her socks were red with little white socks all over it. For once she wasn't wearing earrings.

"The staples left holes," Claudia sighed, showing Stacey the damage in her ear lobe.

The two girls walked two blocks to the party supply store. Inside they began looking for balloons.

"None of these have the words PITY PARTY written on it!" shrilled Claudia. They went over to talk to a pimply employee standing by the fake vomit.

"Excuse me…uh…" Claudia squinted at the employee's nametag. She couldn't read it. "Um…Clarence?"

"Jack," the employee said, glaring.

"Jack. Right. We need to find pity party balloons." Stacey shot him an award-winning smile.

"We don't have pity party balloons," Jack said dully, walking away.

Claudia followed him. "You must have. Our friend Mallory isn't feeling good so we're throwing a party for her."

"I've never heard of a bunch of fifth graders throwing pity parties for their friends," scoffed Jack.

"We're in eighth grade," snarled Stacey, her New York-y personality shining through. "We want pity party balloons, and we'll get some. Okay?"

"How can I get you pity party balloons if I don't have them?" hissed Jack. He started walking away.

"I don't know. Are you a magician?" Claudia yelled at his back.

Stacey picked up a bag of those non-blown-up balloons that have nothing written on them. "How about we buy these and write on them?" she suggested.

"Wow, you're right. Good idea."

"I know. I'm so sophisticated."

When they left the party supply store they had a bunch of those non-blown-up balloons and colored streamers. They decided to go back to Stacey's place to decorate the den.

Stacey brought out a bunch of markers. They tried blowing up the balloons but Claudia couldn't do it. She would try and the balloon would start growing. Then she would inhale and all the air would go back to her.

"I can't do it, Stacey," Claudia whined, handing the balloon to her. "You."

Stacey glared. "Ew, no way. You slobbered all over it."

Stacey had already done five balloons. She gave Claudia the sharpie to write YOU'RE NOT UGLY MAL on the balloons and HAVE A GREAT PITY PARTY. Unfortunately, Claudia spelled it like YUR NOTT UGLIE MALL and HAV E GRATE PITTI PARTEE.

Stacey didn't feel like buying more balloons. She pretended not to notice

xx

THE BSC PITY PARTY!!! 

**WE'RE THROWING A PARTY IN FAVOR OF YOUR FAVORITE BABYSITTER, MALLORY PIKE!!!**

**NEXT SUNDAY, THE 24****TH****!!! COME ONE, COME ALL!!! BRING YOUR FRIENDS!!!**

**12:30 PM TO 3:15 PM!!!**

**10 CENTS FOR ADMISSION FEE!!!**

Kristy insisted on having everyone pay to come in. "Ten cents is just the right amount," she said on their Monday BSC meeting. They were decorating the posters with little rainbows and sparkly ponies.

"Do you think there should be so many exclamation points?" Dawn asked. "It looks a little…"

"It shows that we're enthusiastic," cut in Kristy. "It's called advertising, Dawn. Gosh, you're dumb."

"Whatever you say, Kristy," Dawn said.

"Stacey gave me a makeover the other day," Mallory squealed. "I looked so acute. I'm borrowing one of Stacey's outfits. It's short and turquoise-colored."

"Sounds dibble!" said Jessi as she pirouetted around the room.

"I know. For once I'll look older than eleven. Maybe even older than thirteen."

Jessi fell to the ground and screamed, tears running down her cheeks. "My life is so hard," she sobbed, clenching her fists. "Eleven is the most horrible age I've ever lived in. Why me? WHY?!"

She stood up and started wrecking Claudia's room.

"The worst thing is, I'm black, too!" she screamed. "So now I'm a black eleven-year-old! How un-distant is that! I should be allowed to wear teeny-tiny skirts and hoop earrings and cha-cha heels! That's what Stacey looks like!"

"All the eleven-year-olds look up to me," gloated Stacey. "It's because I'm so sophisticated."

Claudia yanked her pillow away from Jessi who had been trying to hit Dawn on the head with it. Jessi sank to the ground and scrunched up in a ball, rocking back and forth.

"I'm a black eleven-year-old, I'm a black eleven-year-old. How un-chilly is that? I'm black! And an eleven-year-old, which is the hardest age to live in. I feel so old. It's probably because I'm black. This is so un-dibble! I want to dress like a slut! I don't know why Mama and Daddy don't like that! Stacey is so sophisticated…"

Mallory whipped out the turquoise-colored dress Stacey had loaned to her.

"I'm carrying it around," she explained. "I don't want Claire getting her hands on it or anything. I'll try it on."

Mallory pulled off her clothes. Besides being ugly with pasty white skin, she also had no breasts.

"I measured my chest today," she assured the BSC members. "I'm sure that my breasts grew. I should go bra shopping tomorrow, too. Stacey? Want to come with me?"

Kristy had had enough of 'Stacey-this' and 'Stacey-that.' No one looked up to _her_, which was totally unfair. So Kristy spoke up. As you all probably know, Kristy is an attention whore.

"I'll go bra shopping with you," she said.

Stacey started laughing hysterically and fell off the bed.

"What? I may not have breasts, but I can still help Mal!" she argued. "Maybe I need a bra, now too."

Stacey pointed at Kristy's chest, which was as flat as a pool of liquid. "Sure, Kristy. Sure. Keep on dreaming."

"You're coming with me, Mal," growled Kristy.

"Oh come on, Kristy. I mean, you're my friend but Stacey is too. And she's got sophistication and style."

"You bet!" Stacey laughed. "I'm sophisticated."

Kristy tackled Mallory and held her down on the floor by the throat. "You're going to go bra shopping with me, okay, bitch?"

"Okay," rasped Mallory, whose voice box had been about to break.

Mimi walked into the room. "What is going on here?" she asked quietly. "I hear noise."

"We're just having a very…um…enthusiastic conversation," Mary Anne said.

Jessi had now crawled under the bed. Claudia was stuffing her face with Twinkies, making it impossible to talk. Kristy was banging Mallory's head against the wall. They had not seemed to be having a very enthusiastic conversation.

Mimi's alter ego took over. She threw her cane at Mary Anne's head, who yelped in pain. "Don't lie to me, bitch," she snapped. "You aren't having an enthusiastic conversation. Enthusiastic conversation, my ass! You know what I hate the most? Liars! And that is what you are, Mary Anne!"

Mary Anne started crying.

Mimi leaned down and patted her shoulder. "Ohhh, are you okay, Mary Anne? Here, have tissue." Mimi handed her a handful of Kleenex.

Mary Anne took it, smiling weakly. "Thanks, Mimi."

"Why are you smiling at me like that, bitch? You want money or something? Take a hike!"

Mimi stomped out of the room.

Kristy sat up and retreated to the director's chair. Mallory hobbled over and sat down on the floor. "Me and Kristy are going bra shopping," she said in a hoarse voice.

Kristy gloated.

xx


	4. Kristy

Kristy and Mallory were sitting in the backseat of Elizabeth Brewer's car. It was Tuesday afternoon, and Edie had the job of dropping the two girls off at Bellair's. Kristy was digging through her plain brown wallet, counting her money.

"So, Mrs. Brewer. I bet you don't know that Stacey is going to give me a makeover," Mallory gushed proudly.

Edie stopped in front of the red light, smiling politely. "That's great, Mallory," she said. Edie was a little concerned when it came to Stacey. She hoped that she wouldn't be influencing Mallory to start dressing like some sluttish hooker.

"I know, isn't it," Mal giggled. "And if I get a bra, I'll be even more grown-up. I'll look older than thirteen. Mrs. Brewer, have you ever felt as if eleven-year-olds never get anything they want?"

Elizabeth Brewer felt a little uncomfortable. She stalled by fiddling with her seatbelt. The car began moving again. She paused before answering. "Uh, Mallory, didn't you get your ears pierced? Your mom also told me you got your hair cut and you were allowed to sign up for horseback-riding lessons a while back."

Mallory sighed. "I know, but…eleven is such a difficult age! I mean, thirteen-year-olds are so secure and everything. Look at Stacey. She's so sophisticated."

"_No, she isn't_!" Kristy cried out suddenly. The car swerved. Edie gripped the steering wheel. "Honey, keep your voice down," she said, getting a little nervous. Driving in the same car as Kristy and Mal wasn't exactly safe.

"Well, she's not," Kristy replied, lowering her voice. "I don't get why you like her so much. I mean – she's just so…"

"Sophisticated? Yes, I know."

"She's kind of a whore," Kristy shot back.

"I think you want her to be one," Mallory sneered, glaring at Kristy over her wire-framed glasses. "So please shut up."

And with that, she scooted away from Kristy and turned to the window.

Edie sighed. Washington Mall was coming into view. She turned off the freeway. The car rolled down the street. She stopped in front of a red light and turned around the face the girls. "Here's how it'll go," she said. "You guys can go to Bellair's for your purchases, and I'll go to the bookstore. Meet me in the food court, all right?"

"Fine," Mallory and Kristy mumbled.

Edie stopped the car in a parking space in front of the mall. Kristy and Mallory unbuckled their seatbelts, refusing to look at each other.

Kristy ran ahead, jamming her wallet into one of her bulgy jean pockets. Edie followed after her before noticing Mallory trying to beat Kristy. They were both fast-walking, fists clenched. Elizabeth watched as they barged behind the mall doors, pushing and shoving.

Edie sighed and went to the bookstore.

xx

"Where are you going?" Kristy asked Mallory, who was stalking away from Bellair's.

Mallory ignored her and fastened her pace.

Kristy chased after her. "Mal, will you please talk to me? What has Stacey done to you? Where are you going? I thought we were going to Bellair's!"

Mallory whipped around. Kristy slammed into her. She fell to the ground. She hurriedly picked herself up. Mallory was nowhere in sight.

"Mallory? Mallory!" Kristy began panicking. Her eyes shifted from left to right, making her look suspicious. She whipped around and shoved past people on the elevator.

"Mallory, where are you? Come on, Mal…"

She hurried into a designer brand store. She grabbed onto one of the saleswomen. "I'm looking for Mallory Pike! Red hair, braces, glasses. She's lost! Help me!"

Kristy, who was so hyped up, grabbed the saleswoman by the neck and began throttling her. "Mallory Pike!" she screamed. "I need to find her! Do you know where she is?"

The saleswoman managed to break away from her. "_Security_!" she shrilled at the top of her lungs. By now, all the customers were staring at the odd, poorly dressed girl flailing her arms at the saleswoman. Kristy was totally freaking out.

Pretty soon, mall security took her away. She was put in a small room with plastic chairs and a single white light dangling from the ceiling. She sat down in one of the plastic chairs and scrunched up into a ball, hyperventilating.

The door opened. A huge, obese man was framed in the doorway. He had a bushy red beard. He wore a dark blue uniform. A polished yellow badge was fastened above his breast pocket. He squinted at Kristy, pulled out a flashlight, and shined it in her face.

Kristy sat up and tried to flatten her hair. "Look, I wasn't, like freaking or anything. It's just – I can't find Mallory Pike! I don't know where she is."

"I'm head of the security," he said, pointing at his badge. "We found your friend. She was in Victoria's Secret, which was located right next to the store you apparently had a breakdown in. Now, let's not waste other people's time anymore, all right? Maybe if you looked more carefully you would've found your friend and not injured that saleswoman."

Kristy gasped. She sat up. "Really? Where is she? Where's Mallory?"

"She's outside."

Kristy barged out of the room. Mallory was trying to use the vending machine. Kristy pounced on her.

"Mallory, where the heck were you? I was so worried!"

Mallory narrowed her eyes. Stacey appeared from behind a magazine rack, decked out in a shimmery pink tube top, a short blue mini-skirt, glittery purple stockings, and her cha-cha heels. Her lips were covered with shimmery pink gloss, and her hair had been swept into a beehive that sat on top of her head. She smirked at Kristy.

"Hi, Kristy. While you were freaking out and hurting people, I found Mallory and helped her get some undergarments from Victoria's Secret." She pulled out a three g-strings, two thongs, and four skimpy bras that were too big for her.

"She needs training bras," Kristy snapped testily.

"Training bras are for babies," Stacey shrilled. She linked arms with Mallory and pulled her away.

xx

It was the Wednesday BSC meeting. Tension was in the air.

The phone rang.

Kristy pounced the same time Stacey did. They both fought for the phone. They could hear someone on the other end shouting, "Hello? Hello?"

Finally, Kristy won. She shoved Stacey aside and smashed the receiver against her lips. "He-rro?"

"Kristy? Is everything alright over there?"

"Yes, everything's just wonderful."

While Kristy is talking on the phone, let's start describing everyone's outfits.

Claudia was wearing a huge piece of aluminum foil, held together by Scotch tape. Her tangled hair was pinned in a loose, sloppy knot, and she wore green lipstick and black eye shadow. Her nails were black, too. She wore green push-up socks and loafers that she had painted hot pink.

Mallory was wearing the felt-pants and a baggy red t-shirt that said REDHEADS RULE. She had tried brushing her hair that day, but only succeeded in making her red curls more gnarled than ever. On her feet were ratty gray sneakers with knotted laces. Mallory was looking hot that day. Stacey didn't say so yet, but Mal could just tell she approved.

Kristy was wearing a sweater, mom jeans, and her old collie cap. Same old, same old.

Mary Anne wore a white skirt and a gray blouse. Mary Anne wore a lot of preppy stuff. And even though Janine wears the exact same things, she always looks super-nerdy in them and Mary Anne always looks super-hot in them.

Jessi was wearing a huge pink shirt that said I LOVE BALLET and white leggings.

Stacey wore a glittery pink prom dress with glitter above her eyes and on her cheeks. Her nails were painted glittery blue and she wore pink plastic glitter stilettos.

Dawn wore a baggy white shirt with a tree on it and baggy sweatpants with turtles on them.

Kristy hung up. "Mrs. Prezzioso needs a sitter tomorrow afternoon, from one-thirty to three. Who's free, Mary Anne?"

Mary Anne flipped through the record book. "Let's see…I'm free, Jessi's free, and so is Claudia."

Mary Anne ended up with the job, because she's the only one who likes the bitchy kid (for some reason).

Claudia distributed a bunch of candy bars, except Dawn and Stacey had rice cakes. For a minute, it was all munching and chewing and chomping. Finally Kristy spoke up.

"Mallory and I, we went to the mall yesterday. It was totally fun. We went to Victoria's Secret. I helped her choose out all these cool thongs."

"Liar," Stacey protested. "The real story goes like this: I'm shopping in Victoria's Secret when Mal walks in. I get an employee to help her. Then I hear Kristy screaming in the store next to Victoria's Secret. I decided to go check it out. She's choking a saleswoman. She thinks Mallory has wandered off."

"That seems kind of far-fetched," Mary Anne said.

"No, it's true. I'm sophisticated. Trust me."

Kristy growled. "Hey!"

"Well, it is."

Mallory smiled. "Stacey and I are new best friends," she said.

"What!" Jessi cried.

"Oh, sorry, Jessi. I guess you can be part of my entourage now. Stacey says that I should put together a little group of people love and admire me. She also says that I have to get to second base with Ben Hobart."

"Stacey!" cried Kristy.

"What?" Stacey snapped. "She should. Mallory said she and Ben have already kissed on the lips."

"Oh my God, you whore!" cried Mimi, appearing in the doorway.

Mallory blushed. "It's only a light kiss."

"You told me he used his tongue!" Stacey yelled.

"Well, he did. But then I told him to stop."

Mimi smiled peacefully. "You're all very good girls," she said.

"Kristy, you are inventive and shrewd…"

Kristy smiled.

Evil Mimi took over. "…But also a huge bitch and a possible lesbian."

"What?" she cried.

Good Mimi came. "Mary Anne, you are caring and sweet…"

"…But you're also a sucker and you let people walk all over you."

Mary Anne cried.

"Claudia, you're creative and artistic. But you're as stupid as hell. And don't tell me your IQ is above average or any shit like that! We all know that you're a dumbass."

Claudia gasped.

"Mallory, you're imaginative and original. But you're too ugly. And those pants are _not_ hot. They make you look forty-five."

"What?" Mallory shrieked.

"Stacey, you're a tramp. Enough said."

Stacey glared.

"Dawn, you have character. But you're an idiot who always seems to be PMSing."

Dawn frowned.

"Jessi, you're determined and resolute. But you're black."

Jessi punched the wall.

xx


	5. Jessi

Jessi was getting so sick of Mallory.

At school that day, they sat together at lunch. Mallory was wearing makeup, and a lot of it. Jessi was very jealous.

"Did your mom let you?"

Mallory laughed like a hyena. Jessi could tell she was trying to sound sophisticated. "I'm appalled at you, Jessica!" she said. "Who really cares if my mother approves? It's not important."

Mallory was looking very fresh. She was wearing very bright red lipstick, which made her pale skin seem even paler. Her cheeks were tinted dark red. She had even used eyeliner. Jessi had to admit Mallory looked at least thirteen. That was probably why people were staring at her.

"Do you think Stacey will give me a makeover too?" Jessi asked.

Mal laughed again. "Sure, of course. Let me call her." Mallory pulled out a small pink cell phone.

"Oh my gosh! You have a cell phone!"

"Right, right." Mallory pressed every button on the phone and held it to her ear. "Yes, hello? This is Mallory Pike. Yes, yes…I suppose so. That's quite all right. Mm-hmm. Sure. Good-bye."

"You didn't ask her!" Jessi snapped angrily.

"Please, I'm very appalled."

"You know what?" Jessi screamed. She stood up. "You're being mean to me because I'm black! Yeah, that's right! It's all because I'm black! What is everyone's problem! I hate this town!"

As soon as Jessi left the cafeteria, Mallory put away her fake pink phone and started practicing her sophisticated laugh.

xx

Jessi had to ditch school.

There was no other option. She had to. The plan was to hightail out of there, hitchhike to Bellair's, and buy some new clothes and makeup. She had some money in her wallet. It had to work.

Jessi ran out of the cafeteria, and hurried over to her locker. She had taped a little mirror onto the inside door, so she could freshen up before class. Jessi turned to the mirror and began combing her hair with her fingers. There was no time to look thirteen. It would have to do.

Jessi grabbed her backpack and zipped up her plaid Saddle Club coat and started down the hall, looking behind her back every now and then. If she were caught, she would be in big trouble. Aunt Cecelia would beat her with a spoon.

As soon as she was outside, she ran toward the street and stuck her thumb out. No one came to pick her up. Jessi screamed at the passing cars, "You don't want to help me because I'm black!" Then she reached into her backpack and pulled out a small ziplock baggy full of pretzels and threw them at the passing vehicles.

Finally, a very beat-up black truck stopped by. Jessi hopped into the passenger seat. The driver was Morbidda Destiny.

"Where to?" Morbidda asked as she lit a cigarette. She was speaking with an accent, and her hair was longer than Jessi remembered.

Jessi almost jumped out again, but Morbidda stopped her. "Hey, where do you want to go?" she asked.

"Um…Bellair's."

Morbidda looked her up and down. Smoke was billowing out of her nose. Jessi coughed. Morbidda paid no attention and offered her a cigarette. "You want one?"

Jessi hit Morbidda Destiny in the face.

"Gosh, no!" she screamed. "You witch!"

Morbidda Destiny ground a cigarette into Jessi's arm. Jessi screamed again and threw herself over the steering wheel. Morbidda shoved her off and began driving. Jessi shrunk back and pulled her jacket close around her.

"You're losing control, kid," Morbidda said in her odd, accented voice. She sounded kind of Italian. At least that's what Jessi thought. "You got to stay cool. Like me."

"You're Morbidda Destiny!" she screamed.

"Who the fuck is that?" Morbidda snapped. Jessi gasped when she heard the f-word.

"You see, kid, you're too good. Too pure." Morbidda tossed the cigarette out the window. She glared at Jessi. "And my name is not Morbidda Destiny, whoever that is."

"Then what is it?" Jessi squeaked. "Mrs. Porter?"

"God, no," Morbidda snapped. "I ain't telling you. You'll just tell the cops. I can't trust no one."

"Why do you talk all weird?"

"Look, kid, quit asking questions and listen to me."

Jessi squeaked in obedience.

"Good kids are…good, but you just got to be bad every once in a while. And what the hell are you wearing? How old are you, nine?"

"I'm thirteen," Jessi said haughtily.

"No, you aren't," Morbidda said. "You're too tiny to be thirteen. Liars never prosper."

"Like, whatevs!" Jessi heard Stacey say this one time, and it made her sound fifteen. Which was even better than thirteen.

"Listen, kid. You need to shape up and pull yourself together. You need to get some new clothes – " 

"I know, right!" Jessi shrieked. "I need new clothes. I was thinking of a glittery halter-top. It'll be so sophisticated."

Morbidda kicked Jessi.

"Ow! What was that for?"

"Glittery halter-tops are for sluts," she said. "I know about fashion. Trust me. I'll go into Bellair's with you, all right?"

"Um…okay."

Inside the store, Jessi ran to juniors and found a glittery skirt that Stacey would totally buy. She stripped off her hot pink jeans right there in front of everyone in Bellair's and zipped on the skirt. She was still wearing the Saddle Club jacket, so she didn't look so hot. "I'm buying it!" she sang, laughing at herself in the mirror and striking poses. She whirled around to show Morbidda how cool she looked.

Morbidda Destiny was nowhere in sight.

Jessi frowned, but started tearing glittery outfits off the clothing racks. She bought makeup, huge hoop earrings, and new shoes. Jessi had been saving up since forever, so she was able to afford all this and even a canister of perfume.

Jessi hurried behind the store and dressed in a glittery tank top and a pair of glittery short-shorts. Then she put on purple cha-cha heels. There wasn't a mirror around, so she couldn't see what she looked like with makeup on, but she was sure she looked very dibble.

She sprayed the perfect all over her body and breathed it in. Yum. After putting on the hoop earrings, she tried to fluff out her hair. Perfect.

Jessi grabbed the shopping bags and ran back outside. She asked someone for the time. They said twelve thirty. No! Lunch was already over. She ran into the parking lot and looked for Morbidda's car. It was nowhere in sight, so Jessi had to walk two miles to the bus station to get home.

xx

It was another BSC meeting.

Mary Anne was wearing a t-shirt and jeans. Wow.

Claudia theme for today was unicorns. She was wearing a huge unicorn costume, complete with a long golden horn. She had surrounded her eyes with glittery purple eyeshadow, to make her look mysterious.

Stacey was wearing practically nothing.

Mallory was wearing practically nothing.

Dawn was wearing something totally California-casual – a baggy Greenpeace t-shirt and mom jeans.

Jessi was wearing her glittery skirt and a cute glittery tube top. Unfortunately, when she saw Mallory and Stacey wearing absolutely nothing, she was disappointed. Mal and Stace were always one step ahead of her.

Kristy was wearing a stupid Krushers t-shirt, a sweater over that, a turtleneck over that, another turtleneck over that, and a t-shirt. She was wearing old jeans and her stupid collie cap.

"Order!" Kristy shouted. "Pay attention, all right?" She put on her neon green visor and sat up in the director's chair. "The fliers to the pity party have been printed out and distributed. So far the Newtons, the Perkinses, the Kormans, and the Pikes are coming. Be prepared, my fellow babysitters."

"Yes, sir!" Mary Anne said seriously, saluting.

"WHAT?" Kristy screamed.

"Yes, sir! I mean – yes, ma'am!"

"You bitch!"

In a second, Kristy had tackled Mary Anne. She held her against the wall her hands wrapped around her throat. Mary Anne was gasping.

"I see the light!"

Even though Kristy was a midget, she picked up Mary Anne by the throat and threw her across the room. She landed against the mirror, which shattered and all this candy came spilling out.

Claudia grabbed several candy bars and tried stuffing them back into a huge hole that had been hidden behind her mirror this whole time.

Mary Anne had miraculously survived. Claudia sank into a pile of Hershey kisses and cried.

Dawn stood up and grabbed all the candy. She began hurling it out the window. "I'm doing a favor for you," Dawn said calmly as she picked up a box of donuts.

"No!" Claudia fell down and began crawling towards the window.

"You know what? This is so un-dibble and stale. Let's go, Mallory." It was Stacey. She stood up and grabbed Mallory's hand. Jessi jumped after them. She grabbed onto Stacey's ankle.

"Please…! Bring me with you!"

Stacey shook her off. She and Mal left the room.

xx

When Jessi came home, Aunt Cecelia was at the door.

"Jessi, you're late."

"Something came up."

"Well, your parents are going out tonight, and I'm in charge."

Jessi thought, _Jeez, what a bitch. I'm eleven. I'm a perfect babysitter. Damn you, Aunt Cecelia._

"Are you listening, Jessica?"

"Like, whatevs!" Jessi yelled as she ran upstairs and shut herself in the room.

xx

**AN: **School is starting in about two weeks, so updates will get slower.


	6. Mary Anne

On Saturday afternoon, Mary Anne Spier prepared her Kid-Kit. Today she was babysitting Hunter Bruno, the younger brother of Logan Bruno (who is the luv of her life).

Mary Anne put in a box of crayons. That's when she noticed Tigger napping in the corner of her room. Mary Anne felt tears sliding down her face. If only she could bring Tigger to the sitting job. Mary Anne's face brightened. Maybe she could! The Bruno's wouldn't mind. Mary Anne took out a cat carrier and put Tigger inside. Then she went outside and put the Kid-Kit and the cat carrier into her bicycle basket. Soon she was off to the Bruno residence.

When Mary Anne arrived, Mrs. Bruno's left hand was in a firm grasp around Kerry's arm. Her voice was booming against the walls.

"You are going to that beauty pageant whether you like it or not! Understand me?"

Kerry groaned. There were bags under her eyes. "But Mommy, I'm so tired."

Mrs. Bruno shook her arm. "I don't care! Come on!"

Then she noticed Mary Anne standing by the door. "Hi, Mary Anne," she said, her voice brimming with sweetness. "I'm bringing Kerry to the Little Miss Pretty Pageant. I'll be back at four. Hunter is in the kitchen doing homework. Bye-bye."

She dragged Kerry out the door, taking no notice of Mary Anne's cat carrier.

Mary Anne went into the kitchen. Hunter was sitting at the table with a workbook in front of him. He saw the cat carrier. Panic flashed across his face. "You brought a cat?" he yelled.

"Yes! His name is Tigger. You want to pet him? "

"I'b deathly allergic, Bary Add! I thought you knew that!"

"Oh, come on. Don't give me that excuse," Mary Anne pouted, shoving the cat carrier into his face. Hunter moved out of his seat. He looked absolutely terrified. He began sneezing like there was no tomorrow.

Mary Anne frowned. "You want to play with the Kid-Kit, then?" she asked. "Kid-Kits fix everything."

Hunter screamed between sneezes, "Get that thing away from be!"

Mary Anne gasped, not believing it. "Tigger is not a _thing_," she snapped haughtily. "I demand you apologize to _him_ right away."

Hunter couldn't reply. He was lying on the floor, sneezing loudly. The room practically shook.

"Apologize!" Mary Anne shrieked persistently.

"Sorry!" Hunter cried. Then he sneezed.

"Say it nicer," Mary Anne said.

"I'm really sorry, Tigger," Hunter said, half-sneeze. The room was spinning. Hunter felt quite nauseous. Suddenly, he fainted.

Mary Anne screamed, "Oh my God!"

She opened up the cat carrier and pulled Tigger out. "I forgot your kibbles, pookie."

She paused. "Oh, well. I'll just steal gourmet food from the Bruno's. I'm sure they wouldn't mind." Mary Anne set Tigger down on the leather couch and began rummaging around in the kitchen cabinets. She found a can of tuna fish. Mary Anne scoffed.

"Tigger is too good for tuna fish," she said. "Only poor people feed their cats tuna fish." She found a carton of goat milk. "Tigger cannot drink cow milk," she said out loud. "He's too good for that, too. Goat milk will do the trick."

Inside the dining room was a cabinet of fancy china. Mary Anne fished out a lovely glass bowl with painted flowers on the rim. She poured the goat milk into the bowl and brought it into the living room. Tigger was peeing on the leather couch.

Mary Anne grumbled. "I don't understand why Mrs. Bruno would put a leather couch in the living room where cats are free to pee on it. It's her fault. She can clean it up." Mary Anne picked up Tigger and set him on the floor. She wrinkled her nose.

"Ew! You smell, pookie. I'll go give you a bath."

Mary Anne picked up Tigger and brought him upstairs, into the master bathroom. She turned on the warm water and began looking for some bubble bath. She found a new bottle of body wash on top of the toilet. That could work, too. She grabbed Tigger and dunked him into the bathtub. Then she used up all the body wash by pouring it all on Tigger. "Mmm, now you smell nice!" she giggled.

Tigger meowed.

After Tigger's bath, Mary Anne rinsed off the scented body wash and turned off the water. The whole entire floor was soapy. Mary Anne dried Tigger off with a fluffy blue towel. She used Mrs. Bruno's hair dryer and aimed it at Tigger.

Then Mary Anne had Tigger drink the goat milk. He tried a little and spit it out. Mary Anne gasped. "I can't believe the Bruno's would have sour goat milk. Curse them!" She then poured all the milk down the sink.

It was then that Hunter regained consciousness. He sat up, feeling rather groggy. "Bary Add?" he called out.

Mary Anne looked over at Hunter. "I almost forgot about you," she gushed.

"Is the cat still here?" Hunter gasped, eyes widening.

"Yes. But don't worry, he's sleeping on top of your mom's best silk blouses!"

Hunter ran upstairs and into his room.

Suddenly, the front door opened and in came Mrs. Bruno. This time, her hand was holding onto the back of Kerry's bright pink dress.

"I can't believe you didn't win! We practiced your routine! How did you lose like that? Were you doing your homework again? I told you, Kerry, homework makes you lose your concentration! You know what? I'm pulling you out of school. SES will make your brains melt."

Kerry was crying. She looked quite sad and miserable, standing there with tears running down her face. "But Mommy, I came in second place. I still got a trophy, see?" Kerry showed the silvery second-place trophy to her mom.

"Second place doesn't cut it! Gold is always better than silver!"

Mrs. Bruno noticed Mary Anne standing there. She smiled tightly and slapped a five-dollar bill into Mary Anne's outstretched hand.

Mary Anne grabbed Tigger and put him into the cat carrier. "Bye, Mrs. Bruno," she said cheerily, skipping out the door.

xx

Mary Anne was sleeping at two in the morning when suddenly, the phone rang. Mary Anne woke up.

"Hello?" she mumbled groggily.

"It's me!" It was Kristy. She sounded wide-awake. "Emergency-ay eeting-may at-ay Atson's-Way ouse-hay!" Then she hung up.

Mary Anne got out of bed. She was wearing a long, white, grandma nightgown. She put on her favorite Pooh Bear slippers and went to Dawn's room. Dawn did not have a phone in her room, as she is not a true Spier, so she was still sleeping. Mary Anne shined a flashlight in Dawn's face. She woke up.

"What is it, Mary Anne?" she mumbled sleepily.

"Emergency meeting at Kristy's house," she whispered, not wanting to wake Richard up.

Dawn glanced at her watch, which was lying on the nightstand. She didn't have a clock in her room, either. "It's two oh clock," she protested.

"Come on!" Mary Anne hissed. "We have to. It is our duty as babysitters."

Dawn got out of bed. She was wearing white polyester pajamas with carrots splashed across the front.

Mary Anne and Dawn rode their bikes to Kristy's house. The porch light was on. They let themselves in.

Everyone was already there. Jessi was wearing a frilly Saddle Club nightgown. She kept looking over at Mallory and saying, "We always wear the same nightgowns! Why aren't you wearing one?" Stacey and Mallory were wearing identical sleepwear: tiny boy-shorts and white tank tops.

Claudia wore a huge, oversized sock.

Kristy wore an old football jersey and baggy blue sweats. Her hair was sticking up. Even so, she still looked quite grand and official as she put on her neon green visor and yelled, "Order!"

"What's going on?" Mary Anne and Dawn asked as they sat down on the floor.

"You know what's going on," Kristy said. "My Pencil is missing. Someone stole it."

"Your Pencil?" Jessi asked.

"Yes. The one I always tuck behind my ear. I know one of you stole it." Kristy wagged a finger at every babysitter in the room. "One of you is jealous," she muttered, "of me. You envy me because I'm club president. I know it. Or, perhaps, you all banded together to steal it! Ha!"

"Maybe it just got lost, you know," Stacey said snidely. "I'm sophisticated. Believe me."

"My Pencil never gets lost," Kristy snapped.

"Why don't you just get a new one?" Claudia suggested.

"No! Nothing will ever replace my Pencil."

David Michael walked into the room, rubbing his eyes. "What's going on?"

"Kristy lost her Pencil, so she called an emergency BSC meeting," Dawn replied.

"Her pencil?" David Michael yawned. "You mean the one you always carry around in your jeans?"

"Why? Do you know of its whereabouts?"

"Yes." David Michael went to his room and came back with the Pencil. "I used it for homework last night. Why is it so special? It looks like an ordinary pencil."

Kristy gasped. "You. David Michael. Get out of here. I will shun you for as long as I live."

David Michael shrugged and left.

"I'm, like, so tired," Mallory complained. "Let's go, Stace."

She and Stacey exited the room.

Slowly, the babysitters began leaving. First Mary Anne and Dawn, then Claudia, and finally Jessi. Kristy stayed behind, cooing at the Pencil.

xx


	7. Dawn

Dawn's clothes had mysteriously vanished. She spent Sunday morning looking for her favorite blue sweater to wear to the pity party, but instead discovered that her whole closet was empty.

No one knew where her clothes were. Dawn , still in her pajamas, went downstairs and poured herself a bowl of Fiber Flakes. Sharon was sitting in a wheelchair, right by their old nineteenth-century stove.

"Good morning, Mom. You're so absent-minded."

Sharon gurgled. Spit dribbled down her chin.

Mary Anne appeared in the kitchen, already dressed. "Hey, Dawn. I just called Stacey , and she says we can go shopping with her and Claudia at ten. It'll be super distant."

Dawn sighed and yanked at her white-blonde hair. "I am an individualist."

Sharon drooled. Mary Anne picked up a moist towelette and wiped Sharon 's chin. "She's so scatterbrained!"

Dawn had to go shopping in her pajamas. Mary Anne wouldn't let her borrow anything. "You're not a true Spier," she had argued. Dawn didn't know what to say to that.

Mrs. McGill picked them up. She looked nervous. "Are you going to be all right, Stacey ? You know, by yourself? Should I cancel the business trip?"

Stacey shook her head. "No, Mom. If you didn't go on that business trip, we would lose all our money. If we lost all our money, we'd be poor, and we don't want that, do we?"

Maureen nodded. "Right. Of course." She turned to Mary Anne and Dawn , who had been playing Slide in the backseat. "Bellair's, right?"

They nodded.

Soon, Stacey was pulling glittery outfits off racks. "This would look dibble on you, Dawn ," she said, brandishing a sparkly mini-dress.

Dawn shook her head furiously. "I am an individualist, and individualists never give in to peer pressure!"

Stacey rolled her eyes. "Then help me try these on," she snapped. "I want to look hot for the party."

Mary Anne, Dawn , Stacey and Claudia went into the handicapped stall in the fitting room. Stacey tried on a tight red sweater decorated with sequins. She looked at herself in the mirror.

"Wow, you look so fresh," Mary Anne squealed, dabbing her eyes with a tissue.

Claudia stuffed a Twinkie up her nose.

Stacey nodded. "I think I just might buy this," she said, and tossed it into a pile on the floor.

"So have you gotten the snacks for the party yet?" Dawn asked, fishing around in her pockets for a bag of trail mix.

Claudia unzipped her purse. Chocolate bars spilled out. She grabbed three, popped them into her mouth, wrapper and all, chewed, and then swallowed. She burped.

Stacey did a fancy dance step in the middle of the dressing room. "I've invited most of the eighth grade boys," she said, "except for the ugly ones."

Suddenly, someone began banging on the stall door. "Helloooo!"

Stacey opened up. "Mallory!"

Mal stood there wearing a thong bikini and knee-length boots. "Hey, girls," she said, tossing her frizzy hair. She hadn't quite gotten it under control yet. You could tell she had been trying to straighten it. "I'm here with my posse."

Jessi appeared from behind her. "I'm Mallory's posse," she said eagerly.

Mallory waved her hand. "Fetch me a drink, posse," she said.

Jessi fumbled around and grabbed a juice box from a big blue carry-on bag with horses splashed across it. "Here, Mal," she mumbled.

"Call me _Malloree Piiike._" Mallory snapped, drawing out the _e _in 'Mallory' and the _i _in 'Pike.' She took the juice box and proceeded to sip out of it.

"Well, this is chilly," Mary Anne said, tugging at her plaid overall strap. "We're all here!"

Kristy flew in from inside the ceiling panel. "Me too!!"

"Come on, let's get something to eat at Friendly's," Mary Anne said.

"Yeah, I'm so hungry," sighed Claudia .

xx

At Friendly's, everyone squeezed into a booth. Stacey kept getting hit in the face with the huge rubber pickle Claudia had taped to her head. "Let's order," Kristy shouted at a waiter passing by.

He stopped at their table. "What would you like to drink?"

Claudia paused, skimming the menu. "Uh, um...what does this read? Be - be - be -"

"That's beer," the waiter answered impatiently, clicking his pen.

"Beer, huh?" Claudia pressed a chipped purple-and-red nail against her temple. "Beer, beer...what's beer?"

Stacey sighed. "We'll have seven beers, 'kay?"

The waiter rolled his eyes. "You're all much too young to drink."

Stacey laughed and put on a pair of knockoff designer sunglasses. "Everyone in New York drinks. I don't even think there's an age limit."

Kristy gasped. "They have prune juice. We want seven prune juices!"

The waiter wrote something on his notepad and disappeared.

Stacey glared at Kristy . "We didn't want prune juice. We wanted beer!"

Mallory sipped her juice box. "Beer is so much more sophisticated."

Their waiter came and served their drinks. Kristy , Mary Anne , and Dawn quickly slurped up their juice.

The waiter said, "Has everyone decided what to order now?"

Stacey examined her nails. "Um...what is there?"

Claudia said, "Do you have ice cream sundaes?"

The waiter replied. "Yes, topped with rainbow sprinkles."

"Well, can you add some M&M's, Twinkies bits, cheese, chocolate sprinkles, and lard?"

The waiter tapped his pen against the notepad. "We only have rainbow sprinkles."

"I guess I'll have to go light today," Claudia sulked. "I'll just have the regular sundae with the _rainbow sprinkles._"

Stacey ordered escargot. The waiter snapped, "We don't have any of that. What kind of restaurant do you think this is?"

"Fine," Stacey growled. "I'll just have a tuna sandwich."

Mallory quickly said, "Me too."

Jessi said, "Me three!"

Kristy looked at the menu. "What is the biggest dish here?"

The waiter took a deep breath. "The combo meal, but it serves thirty people."

"Done," Kristy said, not even bothering to ask about the price. "I'll get the combo meal. What's in it?"

"Forty hot dogs," the waiter said, tapping his foot, "Two bowls of salad, and sixty breadsticks"

Kristy nodded. "Yeah, I'll get the combo meal."

The waiter scribbled down the orders. "And you?" he asked Mary Anne .

"I want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich," Mary Anne replied. "But make sure you toast a happy face on the bread. I cannot eat anything without a happy face on it. You see, my cereal is called 'Happy Smacky Pops.' And the little cereal pieces are happy faces. And for dinner my dad always arranges my peas into a happy face on the plate."

"You were saying...?" the waiter snapped.

"Oh, and, um, I'd like the bread to be pure wheat. If I don't eat pure wheat bread, I get gas. And I don't want too much peanut butter."

The waiter grumbled. He jotted something down and walked back into the kitchen.

Stacey made a growly sound with her mouth. "That waiter is pathetic," she said. "He must know that there is no age limit for drinking in The Big Apple."

When their food came, Mary Anne picked at her poorly made peanut butter and jelly sandwich. "There isn't a happy face on it," she whined. "I need a happy face."

Mallory was watching Stacey eat her sandwich. Stacey bit into the crust and chewed thoughtfully. Mallory bit into the crust and chewed thoughtfully.

"This party is going to be so dibble," Mallory said out loud. She turned to Jessi. "Right, posse?"

"Right!" Jessi saluted.

"Ahem."

"Oh." Jessi fished around in the carry-on bag and pulled out a can of perfume. She dabbed Sweet Romantic Mystique behind Mallory's ears. Mal smiled sweetly.

"That's so much better."

xx

Dawn was helping Claudia with her English homework. The pity party was going to be starting in exactly one hour, thirty-four minutes, and six seconds, but Claudia hadn't even answered the first question yet.

The instructions read, _The following questions are about the story __Lone Coyote__. Please complete the handout. You may use the story for reference._

Dawn figured it was easier to use the book while answering the questions. " Claudia , do you have your Lone Coyote book?"

"What?" Claudia sat up in her bed. She was drawing big swirls on her cheeks with purple liner.

Dawn cleared her throat. "You need a book for this handout."

Claudia got off the bed. "Really?" She took the handout from Dawn and read the first question. It look about nine minutes.

"Wh…why…do you th – think the…L – Lone Kai-yoot…I mean…Coyote. Right, Coyote…d – did not…like…what's this word, Dawn?"

Dawn frowned. "Um, let's work on this later." She put the handout in Claudia's binder and took out another sheet. "_Write an essay about the most embarrassing thing you've done_," Dawn read. "That's easy!"

Claudia grabbed a pencil and began writing. "This will be a piece of cake," she said. Dawn sat back and read one of Claudia's Nancy Drew books.

It took forty minutes for Claudia to finish it. She let Dawn take a look.

The mosst esciting thig i hav done is whin i wore a butiful neww outfet 2 sckool. it wuz estremly butiful and i likd it verry much. every1 told me how butiful i lookd the outfet was gren, redd, and blu and uther varius colurs. the pantz we red witth flammes on the sidez and the top wus gren. the top wus deccoraded witth orunge pickchures of mi fase. i made it miself. ther wus a ribbun in mi hayr thut wus blu and neeon pink. Mi jewelry wus made by miself ov corse. it was payper mashay earings and a neklace thut was made out of payper. Mi shoes wer hih tops witth noospayper clippins all overr itt. my hayr wus put into a pritty ponitail. usd stiling gell 2 make it look shapd lik ann elf. that iz my mosst esciting thig i dun eva.

"No, Claud, you were supposed to write about the most embarrassing thing you've ever done!"

"Oh. Really?"

"Yes, really!"

"My parents won't let my go to the party if I haven't finished my weekend homework!" Claudia wailed. She ripped up her essay and blew her nose all over it. "It's all your fault, Dawn!"

"Me? My fault?"

"Yes!"

"Do you know how many trees you have just wasted?" screamed Dawn.

Claudia ate the scraps of paper. "Now they're not wasted. You happy?"

Dawn paced. "How are we going to do this? You've still got a ton of homework!"

Claudia's eyes lit up. "I know! You can do it for me, and I can go to the pity party!"

Dawn was infuriated. "I am an individualist! I never give in to peer – "

Claudia had already jumped out the window. "Ta-ta, sucker!" she laughed.

xx

Now what? Dawn began pacing once again. If Claudia's parents came in, they'd see Claudia was gone. But maybe they'd think the reason she was gone was because she had finished her homework and she was on her way to Stacey's! Dawn would have to do Claudia's homework for her. She grabbed a piece of paper and began writing.

xx

The party blew so far. Stacey was making out with Alan Gray in the corner of the room. Mallory was making out with Pete Black under the snack table. Kristy was beating Mary Anne up. Claudia was pouring punch down her shirt. And Jessi was looking nervous and eating her pretzels.

There was a Smash tape playing. The rest of the boys were stuffing their faces with food.

Crash.

The ceiling of Stacey's den rattled, and everyone looked up from whatever they were doing. People began to scream. Mary Anne cried, and not only because Kristy had just given her a bloody nose. Jessi shook her fist at the ceiling. "You want to fight me?" she cried.

Stacey was screaming and clinging onto Alan Gray. Mallory was trying to hurry it up with Pete so at least she wouldn't still be a virgin when she died. Screams filled the air. Everyone hurried outside to the front yard.

The BSCers watched, astounded, as Stacey's ceiling crashed down, along with her whole house.

**AN: **I haven't been updating because I went on a trip with my family for two weeks. Also, I had extreme jet lag and about sixty tons of homework. I wanted to get this chapter out because no way am I going to update during the holidays. I will be too busy pigging out, sleeping in, and playing with my Sims game.

HAPPY CHRISTMASKWANZUKAH, EVERYONE!


	8. Report Cards

Stacey was distressed. Her house was destroyed. It lay in ruins at her feet. What about her clothes? Her shoes? Her makeup? The police arrived in their noisy cars and inspected the house. "Termites," they said.

"Termites!" shrilled Stacey, pulling her top up so it wouldn't sag down. (That would be slutty.) "I've lived in that house for a long time and trust me, I have seen not one single termite."

"They hide in the walls," Mallory whispered to her. "And they have babies and reproduce until – "

"Oh, aren't you the smartest person in the world!" Stacey screamed. "Are you hiding a humongous bulging brain under that red hair? I wouldn't be surprised if you weren't!"

Mal stepped back, alarmed. Had Stacey just snapped at her? She didn't have time to contemplate this idea because soon her mother came by to pick her up.

A policewoman was interviewing Mary Anne. "What's with the bloody nose?" she asked her.

"Uh." Mary Anne wondered if she should rat out Kristy. She looked up and saw the aforementioned manwoman glaring at her from behind a shrubbery. "I must have bonked my nose on the wall or something. It doesn't hurt."

The policewoman shrugged and walked away. Mary Anne sighed.

Jessi was having a slight mental breakdown. "My purse was in there!" she shrieked to her aunt Cecilia. "And there was money and gum and – oh my God, my freakin' house keys! And what about my horse-and-pony manual! I carry that thing around everywhere!" She dove at the house while Cecilia held her arms back and hissed threatening words into her ear.

Dawn was the only one that wasn't freaking out. She was still in Claudia's room, doing Claudia's homework and eating Claudia's wheat crackers. "I'm three-fourths finished!" she cried out happily, shuffling some math papers. "Soon I'll be able to go to the party. I wonder what they're doing there!"

She quickly opened up Claudia's science workbook and did the assigned ten problems. "Done!" She grabbed her coat and ran out the door. The closer to got to Fawcettt Avenue, the more police sirens she heard. And screaming. What was going on?

It was a disaster. Stacey's house had crashed down. Debris lay everywhere. The guests were nowhere to be seen, only the BSCers. Parents crowded around their children, either scolding them or consoling them. Dawn gasped as she saw Claudia sprawled on the lawn. Her clothes were covered in punch. She groaned.

Kristy was struggling to take charge. She yanked a pencil out of a policeman's hand, tucked it behind her ear, and stood up onto the hood of a police car. "My fellow BSCers," she cried, "today is a day that will live in infamy – "

Soon, everyone went home. Except Stacey. She went to Mallory's house.

xx

It was dark inside the Pike residence. Everyone was either at their clarinet lesson or at their hockey practice. Mallory set up a musty cot with an even mustier blanket inside her and Vanessa's bedroom.

"So, breakfast is seven to nine in the mornings. Lunch is eleven-thirty to twelve-ten in the afternoon. And dinner is six to six forty-five. The T.V. has to be turned off by nine-thirty. The washing machine and dryer can't be used after nine. Bedtime is at ten. If you need a ride somewhere you can borrow Nicky's bike. My mom brings me, Claire, Margo, and Vanessa to school at nine-ten along with the Arnold twins and Jessi. We have two computers, one in the study room and one in the kitchen. The one in the study room is for my parents only so everyone else has to use the one in the kitchen. Don't be surprised to find some of Byron's porn on it, either. You can't use the bathroom during night because it might wake some of us up. You have to wait in line to brush your teeth, use the toilet, and take a shower. The line moves pretty slowly but you'll get there eventually. And most of us have to take cold showers because the triplets have the room closest to the bathroom and they use up all the hot water. Label your toothbrush and your rinsing cup. Jessi comes over pretty often, too, so we do homework together in the den. Any questions?"

Stacey didn't know Mallory could say so much at a time. Glaring at her, she said, "So I have to _wait _to use the bathroom?"

Mal nodded.

Stacey narrowed her eyes. "When do I get to go shopping?"

"You don't," Mallory said. "Us Pikes hardly ever go out except to our annual Sea City trip. Mom gets our clothes from Goodwill. Or her sister gives us hand-me-downs her children wore a while ago. You can wear some of my things."

"Like that glittery halter-top?" Stacey asked excitedly, pointing to a portion of Mallory's closet that was filled with sparkly things.

"No! Those clothes are for me. You can wear my pre-makeover things, like my felt pants."

Stacey flinched. She couldn't wait to get out of here. This place was so unsophisticated. Stacey never had to wait to use the toilet. She never had to take cold showers. She never had to turn off the television by a specific time. She never had to label her toothbrush. But worse yet, she never had to wear felt pants. Until now.

After a noisy dinner, Stacey settled down to watch T.V. Her favorite show _Teen Drama _was on until ten. At last, she thought, I get to relax.

"Darrell! What's wrong? Why have you been avoiding me?"

"I couldn't help it, Misty. I slept with – "

It was at the moment Margo marched in front of Stacey's view and changed the channel to Discovery Kids.

"We're not allowed to watch _Teen Drama_," Margo snapped. "It exceeds the rating limit. It should be locked."

"What? No!" Stacey gasped. "Margo, you're only a kid. I'm nearly grown-up. I understand _Teen Drama_'s adult situations."

This didn't convince Margo as she locked the show. "Mommy taught me how to do it, since Byron watches porno all the time."

Stacey wanted to die. _Teen Drama _was her life! It was filled with romance, treachery, gossip, and so much more! She held a pillow to her face and screamed into it.

Suddenly, the loudspeakers that had been installed into all the rooms crackled. "Bedtime, everyone." It was Mallory's voice. Confused, Stacey watched as everyone ran upstairs, pushing and shoving.

Stacey went upstairs and changed into a pair of Vanessa's pajamas. It was puke-colored and itchy. Stacey winced as she felt a dustball roll into her underwear. It obviously hadn't been washed in a while. Stacey hurried to line up for the bathroom. She waited.

And waited.

And waited.

Nine fifty-nine came. Stacey trudged into the bathroom and spotted a long row of toothbrushes, all different colors and labeled with everyone's names. Where was her toothbrush? She had put it in the bathroom, hadn't she? Stacey searched high and low. The cabinets were stocked with bottles of shampoo, deodorant, and toothpaste, but she didn't find her toothbrush. Mal had given her a new one, just today. Grumbling, Stacey brushed her teeth with her finger.

She picked up the smelly rag Mal had supplied. "To wash your face," she had said. Stacey winced as she ran the rag under the water and mothballs rolled around the sides of the sink.

She went back to Mallory's room where she settled down into the musty cot. As soon as her head hit the grimy pillow Mallory turned on the light and pointed at her.

"It's past bedtime! What have you been doing?"

"What?" The clock read a minute past ten.

"It's ten oh-one," Mallory snapped.

"The line was long," Stacey argued.

"Don't be saucy. Since this is your first night, I'll just let you off with a warning." Mallory glared at her and turned off the light.

Stacey sighed. She stared at the ceiling, shivering under the thin blanket. Was her mother coming home? She was still on that business trip. Did she know about the party? Stacey rolled over on her cot and Vanessa hissed, "Shut up!"

Ten minutes later, Stacey learned a new fact: Pikes snore. Loudly.

Mallory's mattress shook as she snored through her nose. It was squeaky and high. Vanessa's snore was loud, like she was screaming. Stacey heard Mr. Pike next door making "mee-mee-mee" sounds.

She grabbed her pillow and held it to her face, to drown out the noise. All she got was a big dustball that stuck in her throat.

Stacey shot out of bed and hurried to the bathroom. She swept all the toothbrushes and rinsing cups to the floor as she flipped on the faucet and stuck her mouth under it. That helped, somewhat, and the dustball came out.

Her first night had not been enjoyable.

xx

The next morning Stacey got dressed in a pair of jeans. She hadn't worn jeans since fifth grade! They were slightly tight, but at least they weren't covered in felt. She put on a purple blouse. It didn't reveal anything. Stacey picked up a pair of scissors and did some altering. The purple blouse was now an off-the-shoulder top that went above her bellybutton. The jeans had large holes in the sides and the butt. It wasn't her usual glittery-glamorous look, but it would have to do.

Mallory entered the room in glittery short-shorts, a neon green tube-top, and sparkly stilettos. "Oh my God, Stacey!" she screamed. "You look cool!"

"This is the latest trend. Edgy, punk, with lots of holes. Glitter is so yesterday." Stacey smiled.

Mrs. Pike drove Stacey, Mal, Vanessa, Claire, and Margo to the Arnold house. The twins climbed in and squeezed next to Stacey. Her face was smashed against the smeary, cold car window.

Jessi sat in the passenger seat next to Mallory. "Hi, Stace!" she said.

"How come Jessi always gets to sit in the front?" pouted Claire. "She's not even twelve yet!"

Jessi fumed. "I will be! And I get to sit in the front because I boycotted black rights. And when Mallory said I couldn't sit in the front I accused her of being racist! It's all in the power of fighting for what you believe in."

Stacey and Mallory were dropped off at SMS. Stacey headed to homeroom, feeling proud when she saw three girls staring at her skimpy blouse enviously. She stood up straight and blew kisses to anyone who looked. Mallory looked on, jealous that Stacey was getting all this attention.

Mallory hurried into the art room. It smelled of paint and ink. She opened up the supply closet. Reaching in, she pulled out a pair of sharp scissors. She hacked snips off the butt of her shorts and made a long cut down the middle of her top. She turned around to look at the reflection in the window and ran a finger through her hair. Perfect. She looked like Stacey.

The rest of the day was rather uneventful. Until Stacey got her report card. She was sifting through her sparkly book-bag, when out fell an ugly brown envelope. Stacey didn't keep anything ugly or brown in her book bag. She opened the envelope and discovered a folded sheet of paper. This is what it said:

Math: A

Literature: C-

Grammar: D 

Science: B-

History: D

Phys Ed: A 

**Teacher's Comments: **

_Stacey is a total whore. Enough said._

X

Stacey frowned. Her only A's were in Math and Phys Ed. And the Phys Ed grade didn't count because she had been sleeping with the P.E. teacher. Stacey pouted and put the report card back into the envelope.

Kristy flew down the hall, screaming, "Emergency Babysitter's Club meeting!"

Stacey kicked her locker. Kristy had these "emergency" meetings every trimester. The meetings consisted of everyone showing their report cards to Kristy so she could make sure they didn't get better grades than her. Stacey sighed. She knew she was in for it.

xx

Mallory and Stacey walked to the Kishi residence. "I got all A's, except a C in Phys Ed. I hate gym! The teacher should have given me at least a B, because I wrote up all these extra-credit papers about flexibility and diet. I hate Mr. Crevise." Mallory looked distraught. "Now Kristy's going to do something horrible to me."

At the meeting, everyone was buzzing. Claudia had set out bowls of licorice and M&M's. There were cans of soda on the dresser. She was wearing a neon pink swimsuit with a green blouse underneath. She had put on a long purple skirt with a train over the swimsuit. Claudia had gelled her hair into an Amy Winehouse-style beehive. There were numerous pencils sticking out of it. Her nails were painted dark orange with white stripes. She wore heels in the shape of houses. Her makeup consisted of blood-red lipstick on her eyelids and black eye-shadow on her lips. She wore one peacock feather earring and one Lego toy earring.

"Grab a drink, sit down, and take out your report card," Kristy ordered, waving a thin wooden stick with a small plaster of her face as the pointer. "I'd like you to all be professional in this." She wore eight sweaters and a pair of jeans. But Kristy had decided to go the extra mile today: instead of her collie cap, she had on a cowboy hat.

Mary Anne clutched her envelope with her sweaty hands. She sat on the bed, next to Claudia. Her envelope was sealed shut. She hadn't looked at it yet. She was beyond nervous. Mary Anne wore a turtleneck sweater with cats all over and a pair of jeans. It was her best outfit.

Dawn was sulking in the corner. Claudia had forgotten to put out Wheat Thins. She was stuck with eating licorice. It tasted like leather against her tongue. After many years of being a vegetarian, her taste buds had collapsed. Now everything that was not tofu, eggplant, or cabbage tasted horrible in her mouth. Dawn yanked at her blonde ponytail. She had on overalls and a shirt that was made out of lettuce underneath it.

Mallory had a death grip on Stacey's hand. "Sit with me and Jessi," she said, pulling her down to the floor. Stacey had never sat on the floor before. It was hard and uncomfortable. She adjusted her purple top.

Mallory linked arms with Jessi. "Just a reminder: you're black, but you're still really dibble."

Jessi frowned. She had cut up her tutu so the skirt was shorter and the shoulder straps had turned into nothing but strings of thread. She was jealous of Stacey's new edgy look. She was trying to imitate it.

Kisty sat down in her director's chair and smiled at everyone. It was a very odd smile because it seemed to stretch all the way across her face, and she showed nearly all of her teeth. "Good afternoon, fellow babysitters," she said in a professional voice. "Today is a special day. We will all be revealing a large part of ourselves to our friends." Kristy threw her head back and cackled. "Oh, and uh, the Babysitter's Club meeting shall now come to order."

Everyone was hesitant in taking out their report cards. The BSCers took their time peeling the flap off the envelope and pulling their folded reports out. There were murmurs. Everyone except Kristy bowed their heads down. Kristy rose to her feet. With her pointer stick, she tapped each member on the head, uttering Gibberish. This was their special chant.

"Mary Anne," Kristy said, nodding toward the timid girl, who was sitting next to Claudia on the bed.

Mary Anne slowly unfolded her report. She squeaked, "I got A's in everything except Phys Ed."

"And what did you get in Phys Ed?" Kristy asked in a curt voice.

"B-," Mary Anne mumbled. "I'm sorry, Kristy."

Sighed the aforementioned manwoman, "Tsk, tsk. Get down and give me twenty."

Mary Anne slid off the bed and began doing push-ups on the floor.

"Next!" It was Claudia's turn. She had gotten Twinkie bits all over her report. She unfolded her paper, but didn't say anything.

"Claudia," Kristy said in a warning tone. "Tell us what you got."

"C minuses in everything except an A in art class," she mumbled. "I tried really hard, Kristy, but I'm just not cut out for school."

"Silence!" Kristy raised her pointer stick and smacked Claudia twice with it.

Kristy went through the other BSCers, hitting some with her pointer stick here and there. Claudia served the snacks. The ones who had already had their report cards read were relaxing and answering calls; the ones who hadn't were nervous and sweaty.

After twenty "push-ups" Mary Anne heard the phone ring. "Hello?" she said cheerfully.

"_This ayz MizzusHo-baaaayrt,_" the voice on the other end replied. "_Ay-lo, loive. Ayneed ay bibie-sitta for thekayds."_

The Hobarts were Australian. Since Australian people spoke in chilly slang, they were a little hard to understand. For example, the Hobarts called TV 'telly.'

That was sooo acute.

Mrs. Hobart could hear screaming on the other end. It was Kristy beating Stacey with the stick because she had gotten a D in Grammar. Mary Anne heard Mrs. H. say, "Saymthing wroing, dayrie?"

"Mrs. Hobart," chuckled Mary Anne. "You're so Australian! You and your people. Can't pronounce a thing." She hung up.

Stacey rubbed her back. She was pretty sure there were welts there. "That hurt," she whined.

"Serves you right," Kristy said. She was smiling again. "All right, now it's time for my grade evaluation."

Kristy always showed off her report card last. She had never opened her envelope the minute she got it, like most students had done. Instead, she saved her report card for the BSC meeting.

Kristy unfolded her report. "Ta-daaa!" she said. "A's in Math, Grammar, Phys Ed, Science, Social Studies, and – " Suddenly Kristy paled in the face. " – I have a B in Biology?"

Gasps.

Kristy read the teacher's comments aloud: "Kristy is a good student but she can be extremely bossy, loudmouthy, rude, cruel, mean, paranoid, nasty, uncaring, and snobby. She needs anger management classes."

Kristy started screaming. Everyone rushed out the door, even Claudia, although it was her room.


	9. Teen Drama

Teen Drama was a mix of Big Brother, The Hills, and Days of Our Lives

_**Author's Note:**_ My apologies for the lack of updates! Remember to leave me a nice review. :)

Teen Drama was a mix of Big Brother, The Hills, and _Days of Our Lives_. Like Big Brother, they threw a bunch of attractive twentysomethings into a single house together. And like The Hills, these twentysomethings were always being chased by paparazzi at posh New York parties or meeting famous designers like Marc Jacobs. And like _Days of Our Lives_, there were evil twin siblings, beverage-poisoning, and finding out that your ex was actually your long-lost cousin.

Which was why Stacey loved it so much. It had more drama than all of those shows put together. There was never a boring episode. No fillers. It was not a TV program that you watched just because there was nothing else on. It was a show you watched even though there were a million other things on.

Stacey's obsession for Teen Drama had elevated when Margo had locked the program last week, when she had first arrived at the Pike's. No longer was she able to watch the drama-packed show on Monday nights. No longer was she able to hear Misty confronting Mason about his steamy, three-month love affair with the croissant-fetching girl, Callie. No longer was she able to feel the tension in the air as Rebecca plotted to slip cyanide capsules into her fiancé Eric's (her brother she had been separated from at birth) mocha latte. No longer was she able to dance to the catchy theme song while thanking God that today was Monday.

"Margo, will you please unlock Teen Drama for me?" Stacey asked Margo over dinner one day. Dinner was tuna casserole, meatloaf, and mashed potatoes. Byron and Nicky had already sat on her plate twice, but Stacey didn't care. Tonight Teen Drama would be on, and she couldn't miss it, especially because it would be the last episode of the season, and she had to know if Mason would choose either Callie (the croissant-fetching girl) or Laurelle – an old flame of Mason's who was married – as his girlfriend.

Margo pretended to think as she chewed loudly on a piece of meatloaf. "No."

Stacey gritted her teeth. "But – but I'm so sure Laurelle will become Mason's – "

Margo frowned. "Do I look like I care?"

In her mind's eye, Stacey had already stabbed Margo in the shoulder with her dinner fork. But in reality, Margo's bony shoulder was unharmed and the dinner fork was still sitting on Stacey's potato-covered plate.

"Fine." Stacey figured she could catch the episode online this week. Sometimes, on Teen Drama's website, they'd post episodes from last night. But Stacey was never able to get to the computer. Byron was always on, scouring his porno sites.

After dinner Stacey went into Mallory's room, teeth still gritted in anger. "Mallory!" she barked, imagining red horns growing from her blonde head.

Mallory looked up from her book. Stacey could see the cover: How to Follow Trends: 10 Easy Steps. Mallory shoved the book under her plaid horse-covered blankets quickly and adjusted her smudged glasses. "What do you want?" she snapped.

Stacey put her hands to her mini-skirted hips. Since when did Mal snap at Stacey? It just wasn't right. Mallory Pike worshiped Stacey McGill. Worshiping someone didn't include snapping at them, did it? Stacey decided to let it go…for now.

"You need to convince Margo to unlock Teen Drama for me!" Stacey exploded, finger-combing her blonde curls. She had glued multi-flavored condoms into her mane, which completed that day's outfit: a cropped pink blouse snipped at the sleeves, a distressed denim mini-skirt, and a pair of shabby cha-chas.

Mallory sat up. "And why would I do that?" she asked, imitating Stacey's finger-combing by running a hand through her frizzy hair. "Teen Drama is a horrible show."

"I don't know what your problem is, Mal-lurry!" shouted Stacey, stomping her cha-cha'ed feet. "You're acting like such a _bitch_ lately. I demand you tell Margo to unlock Teen Drama for me!"

Mallory gasped. "_Demand_?" Her dry hands flew to her drugstore chapstick-ed mouth.

"Yesss," hissed Stacey, crossing her arms over her ripped blouse. "I demand!"

Mallory dejectedly stood up.

"Wait-uh!" Stacey snapped, drawing out the _t _in the word. "I also want you to plan a party."

"Plan a party?" Mallory's face turned from _pale _to _ghostly pale. _"Plan a party? I can't do that!"

"Well, I don't see why not," Stacey barked, raising herself on her metallic blue toes. "Because I see party-planners doing that all the time."

Mallory opened her chapsticked mouth to speak, but found nothing to say. She clasped her freckly hands together and stared at the ground. "What – what kind of party, Stacey?"

"You mean Queen Stacey," Stacey snapped, enjoying her newfound reign over Mal.

"Queen Stacey, what kind of party would you like?" Mallory mumbled.

"A pity party," Stacey replied, a smile tugging at the corners of her lips. "Since the one we had a few weeks ago was ruined…" She traced the zig-zag pattern on Vanessa's quilt with an orange finger. "We'll just have to have another one. Except this one will be better."

Mallory, too frightened to ask for the details, turned around and scurried out of the room.

xx

"Oh my God, my homework's done!" Claudia cried when she returned home. Every worksheet, every problem, every equation was solved. Finished. Completed. Claudia gasped as she picked up her science workbook. She flipped to the correct page. Every question was filled in.

"It must be the Homework Fairy," Claudia said, tears streaming down her powdered face. Gold mascara poured down her cheeks like an unstoppable river as she came to realize that the Homework Fairy had saved her. If her homework hadn't been done, she wouldn't have escaped to the party! _If only Dawn had stayed long enough to see it_, Claudia mused.

However, Claudia didn't have enough time to think about anything, because she realized that she had a job sitting for the Brewer kids in ten minutes. She hurried to put on her outfit: a purple wetsuit covered in colorful felt and sequins, knee-high boots with dangerously sharp toes and heels, a white tool-belt around her waist with a buckle the shape of a carrot, a hot pink bra and matching panties over the wetsuit, and lime-green mittens on her hands. She filled art supplies and Barbie dolls into her tool-belt and slipped her jewelry on, a macaroni necklace with matching bracelets and earrings the shape of feet. She snapped her hair up so it sat on the top of her head, sticking up straight. She called this the Turnip. She sprinkled salt and pepper on her head, to give it an offbeat look, and applied her makeup: purple eyeshadow on her eyes and cheeks, and blue lipstick on her lips and chin.

When Claudia was done dressing, she realized she was late to the Hobarts. She grabbed her favorite pizza-shaped purse and dashed out the door.

xx

Kristy paced. "Another pity party? What genius idea!" She looked up, eyes glinting. "Who thought of it?"

Mallory said, "Sta – I mean, me. I thought of it."

"You're a genius!" Kristy smacked Mallory's arm excitedly, leaving behind a big bruise. "To reward you of your sudden smartness, you will now take the place of…" She tipped her head back, stroked her chin, and thought. "Um, whose place should you take?"

"Stacey's?" Mallory suggested with a devilish grin.

"Of course. Stacey's." Kristy snapped her fingers. "We should really get started, Mal. We have to go decorate the basement, send out invitations…" She counted everything to do on her fingers. "We should have the party next week, Mal. Not any sooner, not any later. This is faaaan-tastical!" She lifted her arms in the air, her dirty Nikes squeaking. "Let's go make a guest-list right now!"

"Okay." Mallory grinned. Not because of the guest-list, but because Stacey was finally getting what she deserved.

xx

Hours later, Stacey had gotten slightly impatient. "Unlock Teen Drama!" Stacey screamed, pinning Margo to the dusty, cold tile squares of the Pikes den.

Margo squirmed. "N – "

"I said NOW!" Stacey pinched Margo's stomach as hard as she could, but Margo did not obey. She stared up at Stacey with a wicked grin on her face. It was as if she was some sort of evil robot. This infuriated Stacey even more, and she raised her fist to deliver a well-deserved blow to Margo's small face.

"Staaacey!" Mallory's loud voice interrupted her. "Kristy wants to call an emergency meeting at Watson's house."

"Can't this wait?" Stacey shrieked.

"No. She says it's urgent." Mal was the only one who knew that Kristy wanted everyone to decorate the basement with her. "Let's go."

Stacey stood up, brushed off her knees, and headed out the door. But not before flipping Margo off.

The two girls walked to McLelland Road, enjoying the nice spring breeze. The sun shone brightly, the sky was robin's egg blue, and butterflies and birds flitted around, wings flapping up and down.

"Is the pity party on?" Stacey screamed, throwing Mal to the impossibly beautiful green lawn of the Delaneys.

"Yes," Mallory squeaked. She didn't dare tell Stacey about how Kristy had made a chocolate cake with Mallory's face on it. She also didn't mention how she had painted a banner saying MALLORY: THE NEW TREASURER!

She figured Stacey would find out about that later. For now, she'd remain alive. Mallory got up, brushing the blades off grass off her ripped lime-green capris.

Two minutes later, everyone was standing in Kristy's bedroom. Claudia had brought along a hamburger-shaped ceramic bowl full of black licorice whips, Cheez-Its, gumdrops, and various other snacks. Dawn and Kristy were unwrapping crepe paper and non-blownup balloons. Jessi was nibbling on her Chex Mix and standing by the window, watching for anyone who looked remotely sketchy. Mary Anne was doing twenty push-ups on the floor. And Mallory and Stacey were power-glaring at each other from their spots by the wall.

"I have a special present for Mal, too," Kristy said as she sucked on a licorice whip slowly. Her lips had turned black. "It's in the den." She winked, grabbed piles of unwrapped crepe paper, and dumped them into the shirt-nest she had created out of her collie sweater.

"What is she talking about?" squawked Stacey, putting a hand on her hip.

Claudia shrugged. After her job at the Hobarts, she had changed into a bloodred turtleneck sweater. She had added some spice to the sweater by gluing some old paintbrushes to the front and back. She had rolled up the sleeves so everyone could see her bracelets: chunky red-and-white reading medals she had stolen from Janine's award corkboard. She wore a floor-length diarrhea-yellow denim skirt covered in pieces of ripped Kleenex. She wore glittery purple ballerina flats with fuzzy pink pieces of plaid-covered felt on the toes. Her hair was slicked back into a high pony. She stuck a Mulan-esque comb in the middle of her head, so it stuck straight up. She wore a dark green knee-sock around her neck as a necklace. Her makeup was lavender lipstick and yellow eyeliner she had applied way out of the lines. She wore clownish red blush and a peacock feather earring on one ear and a mini-Gatorade bottle on the other. For the last touch, she had dabbed blue paint on her nose."I have no idea," she replied.

"Kristy's been having some problems lately," Mallory told Stacey desperately.

"Really." Stacey sharpened her orange nails with a wooden filer. She didn't sound as if she believed Mal. "I'm sure that you're not lying."

Dawn adjusted her hat. It was a dried-out watermelon shell she was wearing on her head. "Mallory had the idea for the – " Mallory elbowed her in her denim-covered ribs, cutting her off. "Owch!" she screeched.

Mary Anne collapsed to the carpet. Sweat was already forming on her upper lip. She wore a Hello Kitty sweater, Scooby Doo tights, and a bright yellow bow on top of her head."Kristy made a banner and cake."

Stacey stopped filing.

Jessi looked over at them, yanking on her pink shredded tutu. "That guy over there is wearing a white hat." She widened her eyes. "Oh my God, I know where he's from. The…the…K…" Her voice faltered as she glared outside and rapped on the window loudly. "Hey! You! Raaacist!"

"Let's go." Kristy marched out the door. The rest of the BSCers followed after her. As they traveled down the stairs, Stacey jabbed Mallory in the shoulder blades. Mallory bumped into Jessi, Jessi bumped into Mary Anne, Mary Anne bumped into Claudia, and Claudia bumped into Kristy. Like a set of dominoes, they tumbled down the stairs.

"The crepe paper!"

"Give me my watermelon back!"

"You pulled off my paintbrush!"

They landed on the cold floor, moaning with pain. Stacey flexed out her arms and stood up quickly, eyes searching for the banner and cake.

Mallory had already seen it. She tore down the banner, stuffed it down her pants, and sat on the cake.

"Oh my God, what was that?" Stacey snapped, whirling towards her.

"Nothing." Mallory mushed her butt deeper into the chocolate frosting. "Nothing at all."

Before Stacey could argue with her, Kristy whistled loudly with the whistle she always carries around her neck. "Everyone! Please take a strip of crepe paper and tack it to the walls with the miniature disposable stapler I will provide momentarily." She handed out the crepe paper and the disposable staplers. "You may commence."

Mallory was the only one empty-handed. She got up, satisfied. The cake was nothing but a chocolatey mess. And the banner was hidden away by her Thursday panties. (It wasn't a Thursday, though.) Ha! She had won.

Unfortunately, Mallory had s_aid_, "Ha! I have won!" instead of thinking it.

Stacey gasped, reached down Mal's ugly capris, and pulled out the banner. It was only ripped at the _t_ at TREASURER. She could still read it. Nice and clear. Stacey screamed loudly. "Kristy, what was on the cake?"

"Mallory's face," Kristy said, slapping a piece of pink paper against the wall. "Why aren't you working?"

"I'm…being…replaced?" Stacey screamed. Her heavily blush-ed face turned even redder. "How…is that…possible?"

"GET TO WORK!" Kristy yelled back.

Mallory smiled wickedly. "Yes, that's right, Stacey. I am the one who suggested the idea for the pity party."

Stacey gasped. "Oh. My. God. No way. I DID! I _fully _demanded you to tell Kristy about it! I am – "

Mallory turned around, tossing her reddish flat curls defiantly. "Blah blah blah. I can't hear you. The music's too loud. I have to help out with _my _party now." To Kristy's curious glance, she said, "Stacey's perfume is confusing her."

Stacey could only stand there and take it all in. She felt as if Mallory had just stepped on her neck with the pointiest pair of witch shoes that had ever been invented. She was D-O-N-E.

Done.

xx

Claudia walked home with Stacey, who had invited herself to dinner.

There were two messages that had been left on the phone. Claudia hit the Play button as she sat down at the table with light snack of five Peppermint Patties, two Twinkies, three lollipops, four Ho-Hos and a Baby Ruth. It was the leftover of her lunch from that day.

"_Claaadia_," Mrs. Hobart barked, "_I dayn't_ _wont my sooons thaynkin' thay's some Humwerk Fayrie –_ "

Claudia deleted the message. "Mrs. Hobart and her accent," she said, shaking her head.

Stacey nibbled on a soda cracker as she drew ugly pictures of Mallory in her glittery notebook. She was hardly paying attention.

Mr. and Mrs. Kishi walked in, along with Mimi. Claudia's parents were carrying piles of grocery bags in their hands. Mimi carried nothing.

"Ohh, my Stacey." Mimi threw her arms around Stacey, stroking her hair. "I not see you for such a long time."

"Uh…whatevs." Stacey glared up at her.

Mimi released her grip. She said some nasty words. Then she left the scene.

"So." Mrs. Kishi put all their groceries in the refrigerator. "Janine's cooking this evening." 

"Janine cooks?" Claudia wrinkled her paint-covered nose.

"Yes." Mr. Kishi nodded. "She enrolled in her…" He looked at his wife. "Honey, how many extracurriculum activities has she signed up for so far?"

"Sixteen," Mrs. Kishi replied, smiling. "This is her seventeenth." She looked at Stacey and Claudia. "You too should learn from her. Janine knows what she wants in life." 

Stacey rolled her eyes, closed her glitter notebook, and tossed the soda cracker aside. It landed on the tile floor and crumbled into little bits. "What-evs."

"So she really loves cooking," Mr. Kishi said. "We've decided to let her make our dinner."

Claudia shrugged. "Okay." She swept all the empty candy wrappers into the trash. "As long as it tastes good."

"Honey, did you just eat all that?" Mrs. Kishi asked, staring at the pile of wrappers in the trash. That morning, she had emptied the garbage for the garbage truck to pick up in the afternoon. And now it was full again.

"Yep. I'm a growing girl." Claudia glared at her parents, daring them to tell her she was fat.

"You're not allowed to eat candy. We told you that a very long time ago." Mr. Kishi frowned.

Ooops. Guess she forgot about the 'no candy' rule.

Two hours later, everyone was sitting at the table. Janine was still in the kitchen. "Almost doooone!" she shouted.

Everyone nodded like they cared. They were just hungry. Claudia thought that Stacey's arm might have started to look tasty.

Janine emerged from the kitchen wearing oven mitts. "It's heeere." She set a plate of orange things that looked like small bricks on the center of the table. "Knock yourselves out." She hurried away to clean up.

Claudia grabbed an orange brick and shoved it into her mouth. She grabbed three more and gobbled them up. She took a deep breath, to get some air, and realized that there was a nasty, bitter taste in her mouth.

Mrs. Kishi nibbled on a corner of a brick. "What is this?" she whispered to her husband.

"No idea." He stabbed his brick his with a fork.

Stacey grabbed two and stuffed them down her chest. They had no smell and were very dry. Excellent for boob-pads.

Janine waltzed back in. "So how is iiiit?" she giggled, adjusting her ugly horn-rimmed glasses.

"Fabulous," Stacey said. There was nothing on her plate because she had taken only two to stuff down her shirt, so Janine assumed she had already eaten hers.

"Lovely," Mrs. Kishi said, swallowing hard. Her eyes bulged and she spit something into her napkin. Thankfully Janine hadn't seen.

"Deeelicious." Mr. Kishi smiled weakly. He touched his neck. _His Adam's apple had disappeared._

"Yum." Claudia didn't care much for the taste. She just needed something to put in her mouth. She power-chewed and swallowed.

Stacey's eyes landed on the Kishis' TV, which had been turned off. Without uttering a word, she got up and trotted over to the couch. With a click of a button, she was on channel 10. And Teen Drama was on. The theme song filled the house. The Kishis put down their forks, relieved there was a distraction, and frowned as Stacey danced on the carpet.

_Teeeen Draaamaaa…_

_Cy-anide cap-sules_

_Love affairs_

_We poison our boyfriends_

_And never despair…_

Stacey laughed as the episode started.

And then she got her idea.


	10. Petey's Pizza Parlor

Author's Note: 'Sup

_**Author's Note:**_ 'Sup! :) I changed my username. Hope you like this chapter!

Stacey bobbed her head to the Teen Drama theme song. She had, um, _persuaded _Byron to get off the computer for one and a half hour. Stacey needed to catch up on the episodes she missed.

Her heart skipped when she saw pictures of the cast. She missed them dearly. Stacey sighed, but remembered what she was here for. She scrolled down the Episodes page and found the one she had been thinking of all night: **Laurelle Gets Revenge**. In the episodes, Laurelle found out that Mason had cheated on her with Misty, so she slept with Misty's then-boyfriend (who Misty had also been cheating on when she hooked up with Mason) Eric. She clicked Play and watched the episode.

Teeeen Drama…Cy-anide cap-sules

_Love affairs_

_We poison our boyfriends_

_And never despair.._

Stacey hummed along to the theme song and watched as Laurelle plotted and schemed to get back at Misty. Laurelle was gorgeous and blonde and ninety percent of her body parts were fake. Just like Stacey. She glared at Misty, with her unruly curls and bad complexion.

There was a party that night at the Eastview Hotel (many of the characters' trysts had taken place there) and the whole cast of Teen Drama was invited. Laurelle arrived in a bikini top that barely covered her surgically-augmented boobs, a miniskirt, and stiletto boots. Stacey wrote down on a pad:

_tiny bikini top_

_miniskirt_

_stiletto boots_

Laurelle seduced Eric in the hotel elevator and they Did It right in Misty's hotel room. On the bed she slept in, of course.

Stacey watched, satisfied, as Misty walked in carrying two wineglasses and a bottle of Merlot for her and Eric's three-month anniversary. Stacey exited the website and went into her room to change for the BSC meeting. Her plan would work. It just had to.

xx

"Order! Order!" Kristy banged her gavel against the arm of her director's chair.

The members of the BSC straightened up.

"Any club business?" Kristy said.

Claudia blurted out, "There's a Homework Fairy!"

"I am appalled!" Mallory said.

"No, really!" Claudia said, ignoring the fact that Kristy was unwrapping a long piece of licorice. "My homework was all done when I came home from the party! And I'm gonna tell all our charges because – "

_Smack!_ Claudia fell to the ground.

"Any _other _club business?" Kristy said, her eye twitching. When no one said anything, she smiled and took out stacks of paper, crayons, markers, and envelopes. "We'll be making invitations to the second pity party today."

The BSCers got to work. Stacey uncapped a blue marker. Ink squirted out on Mallory's shredded tube top. "Sorry," she said sweetly.

Claudia passed around highly-caffeinated sodas as they worked. "I think we should copy a bunch of these invitations and put them in envelopes." She looked around, grinning.

"Duh," Dawn snapped, adjusting her shoes which were just hollowed-out papayas.

Kristy whipped them both. "Silence! We will not be using the Xerox machine."

"Is it broken?" Mary Anne squeaked.

"I bet a racist guy did it," Jessi chimed.

Kristy waved the licorice in the air dangerously. "It is not broken. In order to discipline everyone, you will all be making approximately twenty invitations by hand."

"One hundred forty invitations? Is that how many people we'll be inviting?! I thought it was the same guest list as last time!" Stacey shrieked.

"You thought wrong." Kristy sneered. "Get to work!"

"These are cheap markers," whined Claudia as pink ink squirted all over her paper. _Smack._

Dawn shouted, "Do not give into peer pressure!"

Mary Anne whimpered and did a push-up.

Jessi stared at the ceiling. "Racism these days…"

Claudia poured some soda up her nose.

Dawn sat up. "I almost forgot! I have some great news!"

"Tell me! Why didn't you tell me?!" Kristy shouted, whacking Dawn on the arm with her licorice whip.

Dawn winced and rubbed her arm. "It's a VEG rally at Petey's Pizza Parlor tomorrow afternoon," she said.

Stacey and Mallory rolled around on the bed, wrestling.

Claudia perked up. "Pizza?"

"We're not there to eat!" Dawn snapped. "We're there to protest with my vegetarian friends from VEG." Dawn stomped her papaya-ed feet.

Mallory leaned over the bed and coughed a soda cracker into Jessi's hair.

"Ewww! Eww! Racist alert! Raaaacist alert!" Jessi jumped up and shook her hair, trying to get it off her head. The soda cracker landed next to Claudia's hand. She picked it up and ate it.

"It's not that soggy," Claudia said, crunching.

Kristy frowned. "Why are we protesting at Petey's anyway? For pizza? Because I like their Meaty Petey's Pizza S'prise."

"They use meat for all their pizza!" screamed Dawn. "Six of their pies on the menu contain more bacon than dough!"

Claudia said, "I want to go! I want to eat there! I mean, uh, protest." Claudia smiled up at Dawn, who nodded.

"See, Claudia cares about the future of the animals!" Dawn said, raising a finger in the air.

"I am appalled!" Mallory shouted, drinking some fizzy, sugary soda to get poisonous soda cracker out of her mouth.

Jessi shivered. "Are there racist people at VEG?"

"Of course not. We're very open-minded hippies who are all blonde and surfers." Dawn smiled and pulled at her white hair. "What did you think?"

xx

Claudia was getting ready for her sitting job that afternoon. She was planning to spread the word about the Homework Fairy. Because of the special occasion, she slipped on a super wild outfit – a tutu that had was a little too small for her. Claudia adjusted it, sucking in her stomach. The pink tights went up to her knees. She strapped a pair of glittery wings around her back. They said **THE HOMEWORK FAIRY EXISTS **in Sharpie. Claudia poked some pencils through her ears. Her hair stuck straight up, with bits of paper in them. Claudia smiled. She looked acute.

Her afternoon babysitting job was for Rosie Wilder. Claudia walked to the Wilder's house, not caring that Becca Ramsey had thrown spitballs at her from Mrs. Arnold's carpool van. She brushed off some wet paper wads and rang the doorbell.

Rosie answered. "Hi, Claudia," she said. "I'm going to be doing my tenth-grade math homework, so don't bother me."

"Oh - hold on!" Claudia cried out. "You don't have to do it! The Homework Fairy will."

"The what?" Rosie wrinkled her nose.

"Yeah, she will! She did my homework for me. I bet she'll do it for you."

"Are you lying?" Rosie asked, squinting her eyes. "I've never heard of a Homework Fairy."

"She's a new kind," Claudia explained. "Let's go play, alright?"

Rosie and Claudia went outdoors to chase cars. Rosie ran after Mr. Newton's Toyota. "I'm going to steal your car!" she screamed, twirling in dizzy circles.

"I'll take your children and sell them!" Claudia yelled, throwing a crunched soda can at the van.

The two girls continued this for a half hour until Claudia was sure the Homework Fairy was done. Mrs. Wilder pulled into the driveway of the home.

"Collecting trash?" Mrs. Wilder said, nodding to the crunched soda cans Claudia had gathered to throw at more cars. "I'm so glad you're teaching her about the hobos."

"No problem." Claudia smiled innocently. She took Rosie's arm. "Come on, let's go get your homework."

"Did you finish it, Rosie?" Mrs. Wilder said as they stepped into the foyer. "I hear 10th grade algebra is very difficult."

"I didn't do it, Mom! The Homework Fairy did. Right, Claud?"

"Right." Claudia smiled proudly.

"The what?"

"It's a fairy that does your homework for you," Claudia explained. "Rosie, get your math and you'll see."

xx

"It's not my fault that the Homework Fairy didn't want to do her homework!" Claudia exclaimed. The girls were on their way to Petey's Pizza Parlor in the Junk Bucket, which they had _borrowed _from Charlie. Dawn was driving. She sat up tall, trying to look over sixteen.

"God, this is going so slow," whined Stacey. "Can't you make it go faster?" Her ripped tank top was askew, and her boob was hanging out.

"I'm not spending four dollars on gas," shot back Dawn, "so the Junk Bucket is running on bananas."

"Mm," thought Claudia.

"Here it is!" Kristy kicked open the door and climbed over Jessi and Mallory. "It smells so good!"

"It smells like death." Dawn parked the car crookedly and the girls spilled out. "Where are the signs, Claud?"

Claudia produced signs from the trunk that read **MEAT IS MURDER **and **PETEY IS A CHEAT-Y. **Dawn grabbed a few and passed them out. "Okay, get ready to barge in."

"Okay!" barked Kristy. She pushed Dawn aside. "I'm in charge, stinker. Poo-poo-faces – line up."

Stacey, Claudia, Mallory, Jessi, and Dawn straightened into a row. "Alrighty, you get in there and make me proud!" screamed Kristy. "Okay!?"

"Okay!" the BSC members yelled back.

"Hold on. Mallory, give me five bucks."

"What? Why?"

"I'm getting a pork-pizza," Kristy whispered from behind her hand.

xx

"MEAT IS MURDER! PETEY IS A CHEAT-Y!" yelled the BSC as they poured into the parlor, waving their signs. Stacey slammed into Mallory, sending her into a puddle on the floor that smelled like pee.

"Get out of here!" Petey shouted, pointing a finger. "Get out of here, you dumb hippies!"

VEG joined the baby-sitters, chanting, "MEAT IS MURDER!"

Kristy pushed past a tall brunette wearing an apple-peel shirt. "Petey, I'd like a Porkalicious Pizza," she said, handing over the money.

"Kristy!" screamed Dawn, whacking her over the head with a sign. "How could you?!"

"Hey, no one messes with Kristin Amanda Thomas!" Kristy screamed, tackling Dawn to the floor.

"Hey everyone, someone's being lynched!" Jessi shouted, jumping up and down. Mallory grabbed Stacey and pushed her into a display of fake plastic pizzas. VEG attacked Petey. Claudia ran behind the counter to look for something to eat.

"I am appalled!" Mallory shouted as Stacey swung her into the cash register.

"Shut up you ugly piece of hair!" Stacey screamed.

Petey's Pizza Parlor was shut down two weeks later.

**AN: **Okay guys. I'm so sorry I haven't updated. In like, forever. In fact, I don't really have an excuse. I was just being lazy. :P But now I'm back!

I guess I've become a little rusty since I haven't updated The Pity Party in forever. The humor might be a little, well, off. xD Anyway, hope you like it!


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